Breathe

I can't believe it's already the 18th of January, I had planned to write this closer to the beginning of
the month/new year.  Time moves fast, faster than I do, I guess. :)
I'm not a huge new year person, I don't remember what I felt when I was younger, but the past probably nine years or so, it hasn't necessarily been my favorite.  I started seeing sickness and death become more prevalent. So it became something I almost dreaded. Eight years ago I remember celebrating New Year's Eve with my parents at home, though my dad was not doing well.  Mom and I sat in his room to watch the ball drop, we broke out the sparkling grape juice while dad was on the commode (I know TMI, but it's the memory I have).  We toasted each other and thanked the Lord that we were able to bring in another new year together.  I was very thankful, though I had the feeling my pappy wouldn't make it through the year, so it was with mixed emotions that I celebrated.  Nineteen days later it happened...I got a phone call from my mom that my dad wasn't doing well and I should probably come to the hospital.  Several hours later my dad went home to glory. That started the beginning of a tough year.  From that point on I started seeing my mom go downhill in her health, starting to show signs of Alzheimer's.  My role completely changed from grieving daughter to care taker.  And with the passing of the next few new years I watched her getting worse.  Eight months after celebrating the New Year of 2012 with my mom she went home to glory as well.  Then came the process of trying to take care of the house and things, and celebrating by myself.  So, it hasn't been my favorite.  I don't make resolutions because those usually fall by the way side anyway, so for me it's just a night to watch the ball drop while drinking sparkling grape juice, and that's pretty much it.
This year was the same, I had my sparkling grape juice, my dog by my side, and I watched the ball drop.  I wished people Happy New Year, was wished the same by many friends, I looked at pictures and read what people wrote on Facebook, and then as has happened for the past several years, I allowed Satan to let my mind wander to what was going to go wrong this year.  I was already in pain with my wrists, and was feeling old and used up, with nothing really to look forward to. I was discouraged.  But on New Year's Day, I got up and took Bella out and saw these gorgeous formations of Canadian geese flying overhead, and took some pictures, and at one point the Lord gently spoke to me.  He reminded me that no matter what pain I'm in or how old I feel because of that pain, He's in control and hasn't said I'm used up yet...I'm still breathing.  And He reminded me that He's not through with me because He still has plans for me and a purpose for me.  So while I'm still breathing, I need to live!  No excuses!  I have handed Satan back the doubts and fears and worries and wrong attitudes he has tried to place on me, and I am choosing to remember to just breathe...breathe and live this life that God has given me. January 3 our Pastor unveiled our new theme for 2016 for our church and it is simply "Follow!"  What a great theme! Seems so simple, but yet it's difficult. He preached an amazing message that morning about keeping our eyes on Christ this year, trusting Him and simply learning to follow Him.  What a great way to start this year!
Thank you, Lord for the messages you have given me to start this year, to breathe and live the life you have given me...to follow you and trust you through this year.  Help me to constantly be reminded of these truths throughout this year.

The Christmas Tree

I know Christmas is over, but these thoughts came to me before Christmas and I'm just getting around to writing them out.  Those who know me or have read some of my other posts know that many times random thoughts about random things come into my mind at random times, and that's just what this is.
I have been struggling with the Lord lately, some of it I'm sure comes from the pain I have been dealing with with my wrists, especially my right, even writing this is very difficult.  I just went to a wrist specialist today and she thinks it might be from arthritis.  I have some other tests and things to do for a more specific diagnosis.  So I struggle because I can't really use that hand for much without lots of pain.  I have been discouraged and frustrated because this makes me feel helpless and useless, along with the feeling of just constant pain.  Am I going to be able to feel normal again? Am I going to be able to do the things that I love, or even just normal things again?  And then Satan has also managed to throw in doubts- what if it doesn't heal completely, what about things that I love and enjoy, or what about desires and dreams that I still have, am I destined just to be a lonely, old lady for the rest of my life, not even able to fulfill my purpose or any purpose for that matter? I was driving around thinking about this when the Lord brought the Christmas Tree to my mind...
The Christmas tree lives out in the forest and just lives its life...basking in the sunshine, drinking up the rain, growing bigger and stronger each year with its other tree family and friends.  It enjoys the birds and other animals that often come to visit.  It even enjoys the beautiful snowflakes that come to cover its branches each winter.  Of course too much sun or rain or snow can become a burden for it at times, but it learns to appreciate them.  It would deal with other struggles as it would sadly see some of its family and friends cut down and taken away from it. But then the worst thing that the tree thought could happen did, the Christmas tree itself was cut down...it became very discouraged.  It felt pain as it was thrown on a truck bed with many other trees around and on top of it.  At its new destination it just felt cold and lonely, it no longer had the soft, warm earth around it or the sweet creatures that used to visit, it had been removed from all that it knew well, and it wondered what was left for it as it sat on the cold lot.  One day that Christmas tree was surprised when someone picked it up and strapped it to the top of a car.  It was nervous, not knowing what was going to happen.  Eventually that car stopped at a house and that tree was carried inside where it was nice and warm.  It was placed in a nice holder and was given a nice drink, which was very welcome.  Then the people in the house crowded all around it and placed warm lights on it, and then placed beautiful decorations all around it on its branches.  As they did this the family was talking and laughing and enjoying each other, which made the tree feel even more warm.  The family then placed a lovely piece of fabric along the bottom of the tree, this made the tree feel very cozy.  For days the Christmas tree enjoyed being in the home with the family as they laughed, shared, sang, and prayed around that tree, making many precious memories.  Never had the tree felt so wonderful and special.  When it thought it had been cut down and not worth much to anyone, there was a greater purpose that it had to fulfill that it never even imagined.  This brought such a great joy to the tree more than it had ever felt before.
I felt that was a sweet reminder from the Lord that He never said anything was over and He still has a purpose and plans for me, even through this uncomfortable time.  It is all part of His wonderful plan for my life.  His plans are not my plans, His ways are not my ways...all I need is to trust Him and to allow myself to be used by Him to fulfill the purpose He has for me.
Thank you, Lord for this sweet reminder.  Help me not to believe or fall for Satan's lies.  While I have life in my body I know that I am here for some purpose, help me not to lose sight of that, and help me to fulfill it.

Who Am I?

No, I haven't lost my mind or had a sudden case of amnesia, don't worry. :)  (Wow, it's been almost a year since my last post...how sad!  It's not that I haven't had things on my heart and mind, just haven't shared lately.)  This has been on my heart for a little bit, so I'm just finally taking the time to sit down and write it.

It's coming up on the third anniversary (if that's how you refer to it) of my mom's passing.  As it does, I definitely can't help but think of this.  There are many different labels in the world, very special ones, but it's been hard for me to realize I don't fit most of them.  (Please don't go crazy on me after reading the beginning, make sure to read all the way to the end so you will fully understand where this is going.)  In this world of labels, though I know I always am, I can't really count daughter as one of them anymore.  My mom and dad aren't here for me, I don't get loving daughter cards from them anymore.  I don't get to share fun memories of our family times with them anymore.  I don't have family vacations with them anymore.  I don't get introduced as the daughter of Buddy or Sandy anymore. Of course I will always be known as that and thought of as that, but it's not really quite an official title anymore, and that's been tough for me.
I'm also not really a sister, not in the sense that most people think of sisters.  I do have a half sister, and I love her, but we have never had a real relationship.  We have seen each other a few times and spent a little time with each other, but nothing lately.  I have a few vague memories, but that's it.  I remember her and her kids coming over to the house a few times, and going with her and her cousins to the circus, then it was great to see her at my dad's funeral, but that's about all I have for memories.  I got a card from her after my mom passed, but haven't seen her or heard from her since.  So, not really a sister, which is another special label, I see sweet posts about sisters all the time, but I can't relate, since I'm not really one.  Which also means I'm not really an aunt.  My niece and nephew don't really know me at all.  The youngest nephew I never got to meet, and he sadly has already passed away.  So, not an aunt either.
Then there's the really special labels (the big ones) you hear about all the time, whether it's on Facebook, or when you're out with friends, or in church, or wherever...the labels of wife and mother. Those are definitely labels that I cannot relate to at all.  I'm not a wife or mother, or even a girlfriend for that matter.  But those are very important labels in this world that people are very proud to own, and rightfully so...though it can be difficult for those that don't have or can't relate to those labels. And it's also many times equally as difficult for those that have those labels to relate to those that don't have them.  So, in this grand scheme of things, I have had to ask myself...who am I?   Of course Satan has had a big part in that, making me think of all the things I'm not and questioning who I really am.
But then...
The Lord shows up to remind me who I am.  He reminds me that I'm a child of the King!!  I'm royalty!  I am His child and He is my Father!!  I'm not a perfect daughter.  Many times it's a typical daddy/daughter relationship.  I complain about things I don't understand or don't like.  Sometimes I even have the nerve to tell him he must not love me because of certain things that happened, or because of things that He hasn't allowed to happen for me.  I have sometimes even (foolishly) given Him the silent treatment.  Yet he does what a Father does...He loves me anyway.  He draws me to Him and reminds me of that love, and reminds me who I am.  He reminds me that He will never leave me or forsake me.  He reminds me that He will always take care of me, provide for me, and protect me.  He reminds me that I am His daughter and that's the most important label I could ever have.
Lord, thank you for reminding me who I am in You!  Thank You for being my daddy!  Thank You for caring for me, for taking care of my needs, for providing for me, and for always being there for me.  Thank You for Your death on the cross so that I can be Yours.  Thank You for giving me the best label of Child of the King!

Life...in Perspective

Can't help but put life in perspective with so many of the things I have heard about this week.  Earlier in the week I heard news about a couple of people I had already been praying for who are sick with cancer, that both situations have worsened a bit.  Situations so different, yet in some sense similar.  One is a man I don't know at all, but I've heard wonderful things about him from friends whose lives he has greatly touched.  He is a great pastor, a devoted husband and loving dad to two daughters, I believe.  He found out that he had pancreatic cancer about a month ago, and the doctors have only given him months to live.  He just recently walked one daughter down the aisle, and the other daughter is getting married in August and prayerfully he will be able to do the same.  What a sad and difficult time I'm sure this must be for him and his family.  I read a recent blog post and he is just trusting the Lord for whatever His plans are.  He loves the Lord and would love to see Him and be with Him, but he also loves His wife and children and would love to have more time with them.  But He knows God's plans are best even when we may not understand them.  

The other situation is a young lady, in her early 30's, who I had the chance to meet at church and have talked to a couple of times.  She was very sweet and I enjoyed meeting her and her mom, when they came to church with another friend.  She is a great doctor, she was engaged to be married, but sadly things didn't work out, so she is just a young single woman.  She recently found out that she has bone cancer.  She was living on her own in a really nice place until she got too sick to continue living on her own, and now she is back home with her mom.  They are living each day one day at a time, traveling every week or every other to get treatment from a cancer center.  As a side note, I was able to be so blessed by her.  When she had to move back in with her mom she decided to get rid of lots of things.  She was giving things to the Goodwill, but told my friend to check with people from church or to check with anyone else she might know who might be able to use some things.  My friend thought of me and I was able to get some great clothes, shoes, bags, house decorations, a couple of outside planters, seeds, and garden tools.  I came away with so many things, not just things that I wanted, but many that I needed and now I didn't have to worry about going out to spend money on those things.  It was truly a blessing to me!  Each of these situations are so different.  One a pastor with a family, who probably doesn't have a whole lot, but has a family and a church family that he loves dearly.  The other a single young lady with a great job, and someone who could afford nice things, but also loves her family dearly.  Both are saved, and both realize the most important things are not things, but the people that God has given to them to love.  Both are finding ways to accept this path that God has chosen for them and to live the rest of their moments to the fullest with the people they hold dear close to them.    

After hearing updates on these two people and thinking of their families and praying for them, I then heard of a terrible tragedy on the news.  Almost 300 people were on a Malaysian airliner headed to Kuala Lumpur when it went down in the Ukraine.  All those lives were lost.  Some of the stories of the people put life in perspective.  Sadly, there were about 80 children on that flight. (Being someone who loves kids, that broke my heart!)  One family of three kids was just heading back home to see their parents after traveling with their grandfather.  There were young couples recently married, young college students, and even many AIDS researchers on that flight.  What an awful tragedy for these families to now endure, such senseless loss of life! 

On Wednesday I was thinking of things in a different way.  I got to hold a miracle when I was in the baby nursery at church.  Friends had these sweet little twins, but they came early, and had to be in the NICU for quite some time.  The sister progressed quicker and was able to get out of the hospital and home sooner than her brother.  He still had some serious issues that we were constantly praying about.  Being able to hold this little miracle made me think how precious life is and how God does love and care for us, even in the face of some of our toughest moments.  Sometimes it's tough to trust, but somehow we must.  He cares!  Life and death are in His control.

The next night I got a text from a friend with a picture of her son, one of my former kids, after he came out of surgery.  Now this was strange because I had just been over to their house a couple of days before.  I heard he wasn't feeling well, but it was just thought to be a bad sinus headache.  Well, when checked further it was found to be a large abscess behind his eye, and the doctor said that 50% of kids with that kind of infection don't make it because of how fast it spreads.  But this young, almost 7th grade boy told the doctor it wasn't his time to go because he hasn't fulfilled his purpose yet.  Wow!

Then yesterday, I heard from another friend whose mom has been sick with Alzheimer's.  My friend told me that her mom had to go to the hospital, she's been in and out of the hospital for different things lately.  But the doctors told my friend that she may just have a couple of weeks left.  That broke my heart for her and her family.  We have especially connected because of the Alzheimer's and she is taking care of her mom at home just like I was.  This is going to be a tough time for this family, and they, along with all of these other families are in my prayers.

With all of this how can I not put life into perspective?  What is my life?  What is your life?  Are we fulfilling our purpose? Are we taking life for granted?  Are we loving those around us?  Are we seeking what is important in life?  Are we trusting God through it?  Do we have the right perspective?  Having lost both my parents and some dear friends and loved ones, I am often reminded of how precious life is and how important it is to love others and let them know.  Because life is a vapor and goes too quickly, let's make sure we keep the right perspective.

Lord, thank you for these things you are helping me to learn.  Help me not to take my life for granted, or any other life for that matter.  Help me to use it for your honor and glory.  Help me to show love and appreciation for all the wonderful people you have placed in my life, and to remember those amazing people that I have been blessed to have had in my life and who I will see again someday. Help me to keep things in the right perspective.

I'm Not Perfect, Are You? Part 2

*Here is the continuation of my previous post.*

 I  also talked to another friend recently who lost a loved one and we were sharing some things with each other about comments that were made after the deaths of our loved ones, she said she was told that she should be thankful that her loved one was no longer in pain and was in heaven, which I also heard.  She was also told she needed to remember that she would not want them back to suffer here, and she can just be thankful that she will see them again someday.  And of course those statements are true, and right in a sense, sometimes though, it may not be the right thing to say at the time.  Because of course we are so thankful for that, that is the blessed hope we know that we have as Christians, but there is a point where in our minds we would just love to have them back, even for a day.  We both said we wished we could tell people that, that we would love just to see them, kiss them, hug them or hold them again.  Even just to take care of them again, but we feel people would not understand that and we would just be thought of as selfish and wrong. So we don't say it, and keep it hidden in our own hearts and minds.  But how nice and freeing it was to share  with someone who didn't judge the thought and actually felt the same way!  I know it seems weird, but even when my mom was sick, at least it was another "being" in the house, she was there, I could love on her, hold her, kiss her, talk to her.  I can't explain how lonely it can sometimes get without her here.   Even if I was talking to her and she didn't remember what I said minutes later, at least it was someone to talk to, or laugh with each day.  Someone to share with after a long day, or a fun day.  Someone to spend time with, even if that time was just sitting listening to each other breathe, or me just listening to her breathe.  I just miss her spirit here...she was my family, she was my heart.  That's just hard to share without someone thinking it's not OK, or wrong in some sense.  This friend and I both feel that we are better about being thankful now, but it took some time for the Lord to help us get there...which I think is normal.  At the time those statements were more harmful than helpful because of the strong hurt and loss and struggle that we were dealing with.  They were almost just salt on the wound.  Now, the point of this is not to make people feel badly for things they've said, I've said things like that, too.  It's just to make us all, myself included, more aware of what we say, and how and when we say it.  We need to pray and then think so that our words or even lack thereof, may be a source of encouragement to someone hurting or struggling.
        Another issue is when we say, or expect someone to just "get over" or "get past" the hurt after a certain amount of time, that can also be hurtful.  Sometimes there just needs to be compassion for what they are going through, and instead of telling the person all the things they need to do or not do, maybe we need to tell ourselves just to uplift them fervently in prayer, and then let them know we are praying for them.  God is the only one who can help them get through the struggles and hurts.  We also need to remember God made each of us differently, so while you may be able to move on quickly after a struggle, hurt, or loss of a loved one, someone else may not have that same resolve as you do.  Our emotions are different, our situations are different, so our responses will also understandably be different.  We need to be sensitive to that.  Just because someone has lost a parent, it doesn't mean they can totally relate to someone else who has because each situation is different.  Someone that's lost both parents may have brothers or sisters or a husband and children to help them through their time, where someone else may not.  Someone that lost a child, may have other children to hold on to and cherish, to help them get through their tough time, and someone else may not have that blessing.  Someone may have been abused, but has great help and support all around them, while someone else may not have even told anyone because they fear they can't.  Someone may have financial issues that are overwhelming, but have sources of help if they just ask, and some may not have that luxury.  Yes, I have lost my mom and can be a help to someone else who has, but I can't fully relate to someone who lost their mom at a young age, or someone who lost their mom suddenly.  So when I share with them I need to be careful and sensitive to their personal pain.  One of the things I try not to say is, "I know what you're going through", because I don't know exactly.
I also know and have heard from friends, that it is very difficult to listen to someone tell them how to act, react, or be in their struggle, when that other person has never been in that situation and has no idea what it's like.  For singles to hear from someone that never had to wait, never had to wonder if they would ever be loved or have the family they always wanted, telling them how they should be content and thankful for the life that they have now, can be very hurtful.  For a young person that loses a parent, to hear from other young people or even older people who still have their parents here on earth, telling them they need to keep going, and move on from this, and just be strong, that can do more damage than good.  For someone who has never been abused to tell someone who has that they need to forgive and not harbor bitterness, and not let this define them, that can bring on more bitterness or anger.  For someone who has never had money issues, to tell someone struggling financially all the things that they need to get rid of and to stop doing, that can be damaging.  We just need to be careful and sensitive to other people's hurts and needs.  Just as we would love them to be for us.  Just remember we're all broken.  We all have needs, hurts, struggles, and none of us is perfect.  We need to be able to open up to each other, and share our hurts and needs without fear of being judged or criticized or looked down on for what we say or how we feel.  Christ listened, and had compassion, and lovingly encouraged.  We're not perfect, we don't have all the right answers...we're not supposed to.  Let people get past the sadness, let people get past the fear, the hurt, the grief, and whatever else, and be there to support, uplift and encourage as Christ did.  We're supposed to simply point people to Jesus...our Savior, our Comforter, our Friend, our Rock, our Father.
Lord, help me to remember these things as I try to encourage others that may be going through tough times or struggles.  You have allowed us to go through things so that we can be an encouragement to others who may go through something similar.  Help us to remember we all handle things differently and we all need understanding and encouragement and not more hurt.  Thank You that we can come to You with our hurts, struggles, fears, and losses.  Thank You for caring for each of them, and loving us through them.  Help us to do that for each other.

I'm Not Perfect, Are You? Part 1

*I started writing this post in the very beginning of February, but only had the first paragraph and a couple sentences of the second written before I got any farther.  So, it's so interesting to me, that just a couple of days later at our Ladies' Seminar a couple of the speakers touched on some of the same ideas I was thinking of for this post.  And then Wednesday night's sermon did the same.  Which was pretty cool!*
**As I'm trying to finish the post, I'm realizing it is getting pretty long, so I have decided to break it up into two parts, so stay tuned for part two. :)**

        This has been on my heart quite a bit lately, and I've even shared these thoughts with others, but I think I have been hesitant to write it, though I'm not exactly sure why.  Sometimes it seems the words just don't want to come, but then I think sometimes it may be somewhere inside they are a bit afraid to come because of the fear of how they will be perceived.  But my blog has been a wonderful place for me to share dealing with the loss of my parents, to share little glimpses of my school life, to vent about things, to share some current events that have moved me, to help me with the loss of friends and loved ones, and sometimes just to share some silly things.  Well, as I write this post, honestly, I'm struggling.  It's hard to admit that, because I fear people may just automatically assume it's because I am not spiritually where I need to be.  But if we were honest with ourselves...are any of us?  We all have things to work on to be where we should be spiritually.  None of us have it all together.  I have to say it has helped me so much lately to talk to some real people, some that have struggled with loss, or loneliness, or fear, or heartache over loved ones, or concern for the future, and other hardships.  We shared some real and honest struggles we have felt, and it was a blessing.  And some of the best, most helpful blogs I have read lately are some where the bloggers didn't try to act like they had it all together. They were just honest and put some of their real feelings out there.  And what a help and encouragement they were to my soul!
        I would love for this post to be an encouragement to someone else.  But that would mean some real talk, and possibly even some transparency.  And as I stated earlier, sometimes that makes me a little timid.  But as I said I have been thinking of this for a while, and even after talking to some of those friends recently, it has brought it even more to mind to go ahead and share this.
        I have been struggling lately....struggling with sadness, discontentment, fear, jealousy, loneliness, frustration, and other things.  I'm sure the proper Christian responses are already forming in some minds to help me "fix" this, but I know them, too.  I know- the joy of the Lord is my strength; that in whatever state I'm in, I need to learn to be content; that when I'm afraid I need to trust Him; He hasn't given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind; I shouldn't covet, or want what others have, God has a plan for me, I need to rest in that, I just need to trust Him and wait on Him, and again be content; He promises never to leave me or forsake me, He is always there; when my mind is stayed on Him, He gives perfect peace.  I know these things, many of us do, and they are wonderful, and spiritual, and can be extremely helpful.  But sometimes when a person is really struggling and hurting and in so much pain, these can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes these thoughts just make the person going through some hard struggles feel worse...like they are wrong for not having it all together...for not being that perfect Christian who wouldn't dare let these things get to them.  That's hard to live up to, and many times that is how we turn people away.
        Melinda Cazis, one of the speakers at our Ladies' Seminar said something that was just so good.  In one of her workshop sessions she said one of the things that is really dangerous, and really hurts a church is perfect people...people that act like they have it all together.  She said that is what often keeps people out of our churches because they feel as if they can't measure up.  That is also what sometimes discourages new or young Christians, and even some older ones for that matter.  But then, I also have been thinking lately that this is what many times turns our kids off.  Now I know we don't want to glorify our struggles to kids, but letting them know that we do have struggles, too, might just help them feel a bit normal.  It's hard enough to feel that with so many pressures from all around them each day.  It might also help them to realize we are normal, we're not super Christians that they have to work so hard to "catch up" to.  We are very similar to them in some of our struggles.  I know that's what I enjoyed about the other blog posts I mentioned earlier, it was just so comforting to know that someone else felt, thought, and struggled like I did.  It helped so much.  So, instead of throwing the proper Christian phrases and verses at people, first just really listen to them...really listen, listen with an open heart, then seek the Lord and listen again, carefully, to know what He might have you say or not say to someone.  Remember Job's friends, at one point Job called them "miserable comforters", let's strive not to be like them.  I talked to one young person recently who was struggling because of circumstances, but ended up struggling more just from people around them.  They have been told they can't be mad at God, that they need to just pray more and read their Bible more, that they have to be thankful even in their tough situation, that they need to get over being upset and hurt, that it's time to move on, etc.  Believe me, I understand the good intentions and ideas behind where these thoughts came from.  I get that they were meant to help and encourage.  But they didn't, they hurt them.  Were people really listening to this young person?  Were they really seeking the Lord about how to properly respond to them?  This person is already mad and upset with God, someone telling them they can't be isn't going to change that, no matter how many times you say it or whatever way you say it.  And doesn't the Lord already know this, too?  He knows the heart.  This person wasn't trying to or even necessarily wanting to be upset with God, so that advice just made them more upset.  This person is obviously struggling, they are not feeling thankful right now, and cannot just easily get over what they are feeling.  I talked to this young person and heard...that they were upset with God because of their situation.  I told them that I couldn't tell them not to be upset because they already were, I couldn't change that, and that God already knew that, too.  But I did tell them that I would pray for them...that they would feel the Lord's love embracing them.  They also told me that they didn't really want to pray, they said when they are upset with people (friends and family), they usually don't want to talk to them, and since they were upset with God they didn't want to talk to Him or pray to Him.  Through God's wisdom I shared with them that if they didn't want to talk, then they could yell or just simply cry out, just like they would sometimes if they decided to finally talk to that friend.  He is our friend, and He can handle it, but at least that way the line of communication stays open, which is so important because Satan doesn't want us to keep that line open.  So I told them, just keep communicating, even if it's not the "traditional" way.  I told them I had done it, I don't like doing it, and don't make it a habit, but it has happened.  I think it shocked them, but it seemed to relax them a little bit.  I think it made them feel sort of normal.  Even with Bible reading, maybe it's not about having them read and find all the answers, but to start them off reading some of the struggles people had first, then let the Lord take over and show Himself to them, and how He helped those people make it through.  There are so many stories of struggles and heartaches that God put in His Word for us to read, and to learn from.  It wasn't to show us how "all-together" these people were, because they certainly weren't, but it was to show us what He could make of their messes, and their struggles.  He wants to do the same for us, but if we have it all together, then we don't need Him.  He uses these examples to remind us of how much we do need Him.  But I also think He shows us that not every one comes to that same point, at the same time or in the same way.  And He didn't always say the things that it was thought that He should say.  He was a great example at meeting people at their point of need.  May we strive to be like Him.
Lord, You know I desire for the things I write in this post to honor You.  I know you've put this on my heart, and I pray that I shared this first part in the way You would have me to.  And I pray the next post will do the same.
     

The Snow Games

As I woke up in the morning, there was anticipation in the air.  I knew what the day was, and what was going to be expected of me.  I got up and got my little girl Bella dressed.  Then I got myself appropriately dressed so we could go check things out.  It was just as they had said, there was a cold, windy, biting chill in the air.  I took Bella out for a little bit to take care of business and to get a little taste of what it was really like out there.  I quickly convinced Bella to go back inside, I knew she was too little to be out in those elements for too long.  I was going to have to be the one to handle the situation, and take on the challenge.  After I got some nourishment and a little rest, I decided it was time to go out and participate in what I could hear was going on all around me.  There were scraping sounds and motorized sounds filling the air.  I went out, chose my weapon of choice...a shovel, and got to work.  I felt strong, and felt that things were off to a great start.  I was getting through the snow at what I felt was a good pace.  I wasn't going to let it get the best of me, and it wasn't.  Not long after being out there a different element came into play...the wind.  The wind came hard and made me wonder if I was going to make it.  It was trying to bite through my coat, hat, hood, pants, and especially my gloves.  I wasn't sure if I would be able to continue on, or if the wind was going to win out.  As I kept going...determined, I realized the wind was not going to win out.  I was stronger than the wind, it really wasn't as bad as I had originally thought.  I could do this!  But then came a new mountain of snow that I needed to think about getting through.  I needed to conquer it early because it was just going to put more of that snow on my driveway.  I also had to think about a new weapon for this new challenge.  For this challenge the weapon I chose was a broom.  This was a great choice and was getting through the new challenge well.  Once that challenge was complete, I could continue on in my plight to finish this driveway.  I went back to my original weapon, my shovel.  I was doing well, still feeling strong.  Then another element was thrown at me, at a certain point in this game, the sun started shining brightly down on me.  That brought a new challenge; a horrible challenge, an awful challenge, my toughest challenge yet... sweat.  Now sweat for me is a game changer.  Right away it breaks me down, makes me want to quit and go right inside to get a shower.  So, I really had to determine to either stick it out or take a break for a few minutes, which would probably include a shower, which would mean spending more time inside, which would make it harder to want to head back outside (at least not any time soon).  At that moment, as I'm trying to make that tough decision, I hear something in the distance.  As I stop and listen closer I realize, it's my little girl, Bella inside the house screaming for me.  Her curiosity was getting the better of her and she was anxious to know how I was faring in the game.  I wanted...needed for her to know I was doing just fine, so I brought her out with me for a little bit so she could see for herself.  Again, I only let it be for a few minutes...I didn't want her out in that for too long, I didn't want her to get all worked up about the others around us who had also chosen to take on the challenge, and...I just simply needed to finish.  I was doing this for her, and for myself, of course...but for her, so she could confidently leave the house and not have to be confined to only a few feet of space to comfortably move.  I brought her back inside, but that little time with her gave me that extra boost of energy that I needed to keep going strong.  I got through the biting wind, handled the mountain of car snow wisely, pushed myself through the awful sweat challenge, and now I was almost finished with this game.  But the Town had one more challenge to throw my way to try to keep me from finishing.  Big orange monsters with shovels much bigger than mine were sent out to throw me off.  They would grab more snow...chunks of it, and push it right onto my finish line.  Did I have enough left to handle these extra mounds...these large, chunky mounds of snow?  Well, I was surely going to try, I was almost finished, may as well just keep going.  I kept going, although my shovel was no match for theirs, I felt that I wielded it well and started making my mark in those mounds.  Through the wind, the sun, and the sweat, I kept plugging away.  It seemed as if it would get the better of me, but I knew I was strong enough.  I could do it, I could beat this.  I kept chipping away.  It was heavy, and there was lots of it, but I wasn't going to give up.  I had a point to make...the Town and their big orange monsters couldn't break me down.  I would finish, I was determined, I kept plugging and chipping away...and finally, I did!  I finished strong!  I had conquered the elements and challenges and was able to come out on top...victorious!  The games were over for me, and there was not going to be a part 2.  I fought, finished, conquered, and came out strong!  I was a victorious winner of...The Snow Games!

2013 - What a Year It's Been!

I can't believe I'm sitting here looking at the end of another year...another year that has gone by so fast!  I've never been a huge New Year's person, getting really excited or making resolutions, it's just not quite me.  And a little over five years ago, I was a little nervous as to what the New Year might bring, and just 19 days after the New Year, the most important man in my life, my wonderful, loving dad passed away from complications with leukemia and diabetes.  That was tough, a tough way to start out the year.  But then the years after were filled with concern for my mom, as she was never quite the same after my dad passed.  Then we found out that she had Alzheimer's.  And each year, it was the concern of what that year would bring, would there be any stabilization, would it get worse, would there be anything that we could do to slow it down? And then as she got worse, the question became, is this going to be the year she loses her battle and I lose my best friend, and sweet mom.  And just four years after dad's death, mom passed away from that dreadful disease.  So, it's hard to say I'm excited, but then it is nice to think of a fresh, new slate to work with, and of leaving behind some of the sadness and stresses from the past year.  But I do always find it interesting to think back on some of the moments of the past year.
2013 started off with me still struggling with the death of my mom, and not long after her death, the sadness of my friend Erin passing, and the awful tragedy of Sandy Hook.  Things started off OK, though...got back into the swing of school, made it through the 5th anniversary of my dad's death, and mom's first birthday in heaven, and then my first birthday without her.  It was a bit strange celebrating with no immediate family for the very first time in my life, but I was treated very well, and spoiled by my kids at school, and my friends.  It was pretty special!
Then came March, and my heart broke again in ways I couldn't imagine as my dear friend Angie passed away unexpectedly!  It was devastating!  I didn't know I had that many more tears in me after my mom's death...but boy did I!  I miss her so much every day!  We did some special things to remember her, and special things for her family, which were helpful to us as well.  But of course the school year went on.  There were many things still to come, Fine Arts, the Amerathon, the play, the banquet, and then graduation.  Things ended well, and I was more than happy to have my summer vacation.  I was very tired...emotionally and physically exhausted.  I was excited, but yet very sad, as I would be spending the summer without my companion, my friend, my sweet mom.  I really missed her!
Then financial troubles started coming my way, things that were so discouraging because there was no quick, easy fix for them, and they weren't getting better or going away.  And there wasn't much I could do about them.  It wasn't just one or two little things, it was one thing after another, after another.  So, I couldn't do much, but I worked at the school, and then spent the rest of the time at home so I wouldn't be spending any extra money.  So, though I got rest, it still wasn't a very restful summer, with so many things on my mind.  There were other heartaches and sorrows over the summer as well that just made things hard, sad.  Then not too far from the new school year starting I found out my job description would be different, and that scared me quite a bit.  First, I have never taught a combined class before, whereas the other teachers all had.  Second, I would have that tough class again, and add another interesting class to it.  Third, there were going to be 19 of them!  Yes, I was quite nervous!  But as I've had to do so many times in the past year... several years, I had to learn to put my trust in the Lord.  Now don't get me wrong, I didn't do it all cute and spiritual-like.  I'm sadly not that good!  I did it with a little decent bit of kicking and screaming, but just telling the Lord, no matter how upset, or worried, or afraid I was of what He was doing to me, that I was going to try to trust Him.  That's all I could say, Lord, I'm trying and I need to know that You know that I'm trying!  There was a blessing that came out of that conversation, too.  The Lord allowed me to find something that was able to help in one of my financial situations.  So, I was able to know that He knew that I was TRYING to trust Him.  The school year started, and it has been an interesting one.  As I thought, my classes are quite colorful personalities, and we are all learning a lot this year.  But not far into this school year, I had some more heartbreaking news as our wonderful, fun-loving, kind, caring girl's basketball coach passed away unexpectedly.  Another tough time for our school, and the kids.  Another tough time for another family trying to process this loss.  But again we have been pressing on.  And here we are halfway through this school year, and at the end of 2013 with it's many ups and downs.
As usual, I don't know (none of us does) what this year holds in store for me, but I will just try to stick with the truth that I learned this summer, and just try to trust.  But you know what, I hope I can do better than that, and just simply trust.  I'm very human, though, and not always that good.  Hopefully though, I can remember the Lord loves me and wants the best for me, though sometimes I don't see or understand what He is doing...
....but Lord, help me to simply trust You this year!

Relationships

This is definitely the time of year when relationships are strongly recognized.  Whether it's family relationships (immediate and extended), friend relationships, work relationships, church family relationships, romantic relationships... Then there are other kinds that come to light as well...old relationships, new relationships, new relationships that have put a strain on old relationships, and even broken or lost relationships. Most people have many if not all of these different relationships.  This time of year is when some of these relationships become very prevalent. People coming or going home to be with family.  Friend relationships connecting or reconnecting to enjoy time together. Work relationships celebrating with parties, gifts, or eating out.  Church family relationships growing through special times and services.  Many couples become engaged around this beautiful time of year.
It's everywhere!  Most Christmas movies are about relationships of some kind.  Walking around the malls or stores you see families enjoying (most of the time:) the season together.  You see young and old couples strolling along, holding hands taking in the sweet, magical enjoyment of this time of year.  You see moms and dads with their little ones willing to wait in long lines to get that special picture with Santa, or moms and dads by themselves trying to get as many special things as they can for their precious little ones.  You see friends getting together for coffee and shopping and fun.  You even hear it in many of the Christmas songs that are playing all around.  It really is everywhere!  It shows how important relationships really are. They mean so much to us in our daily lives.
But we can't forget that there are some who are dealing with broken, strained, or lost relationships.  Sometimes because of hurts or wrongdoings or differences in opinion, or even because of death.  Some are saddened to have a strained relationship to deal with that they didn't have last year, and it will be a little difficult for them.  Or maybe for someone it's just a broken relationship, maybe it's been broken for a long time or maybe it's very new.  It could be in family relationships, which would make the whole "family" feel of the season very difficult for them in some aspects.  Maybe it's a broken friendship or a broken romantic relationship, either way it is a struggle and often quite difficult to deal with.  Then there are the lost relationships- husbands and wives who have lost their spouses, brothers and sisters who have left siblings heartbroken, parents who have lost their precious children, and children who have lost their incredible, irreplaceable parents.  These are all very difficult things...and it doesn't matter if it has been years or is pretty recent, it still has a very strong affect this time of year.  There will always be that sense as some look around them that they are missing one or more of those key relationships, and it can be very painful, and very hard to deal with...and that's OK.  There just needs to be understanding.  When people are missing certain relationships that fact just seems to get magnified at this time of year.  Don't judge, just understand that some people go home to an emptier house than usual, missing special people that made their past Christmases so memorable.  Some people are missing family and friends that used to be a part of that special day, and it is difficult without them.  Some are missing family and friends that would love to be there to be a part of these special times, but are not able to right now.  Some never got to even know the precious, sweet relationships they lost, but will always hold them in their hearts, and with so much focus on the joy of children this time of year, that makes it difficult for them.  These people are not just looking for a load of sympathy, but just wanting people to understand even in all of the joy of the season, there are moments...many times just in the confines of that special place called home where memories were made or had hoped to be made, that people are struggling, and they just need prayer and understanding.
There is one thing that helps...and that is the most important relationship of all.  The relationship that we can have with our Heavenly Father.  It's through Him that our ability to have relationships even exists.  But He especially wants to have a close relationship with us.  Even He understands and has sympathy, He tells us to come to Him when we are heavy laden with burdens, cares, and struggles.  He wants to give us rest.  He tells us to cast our struggles and cares on Him because He cares about us.  He knows we're going to struggle, He just doesn't want us to forget that He is there for us in those moments, and He wants us to come to Him, to look to Him, to rely on Him, and keep growing closer to Him.
So cultivate and enjoy your relationships, don't take them for granted, enjoy each moment because they go too quickly.  Pray for broken or strained relationships to be restored or strengthened according to His will.  We need each other and need to be there for each other.  Pray for those who are dealing with lost relationships, sometimes all they need is just prayer.  But most of all cherish that greatest relationship, let Him provide comfort, peace, joy, and rest in His loving arms.
Lord, this has personally been a bit of a tough Christmas season for me...watching Christmas specials, seeing sweet commercials, hearing the beautiful Christmas music, seeing so many different relationships, all the while really missing those key relationships in my life.  The ones I share the most Christmas memories, laughter and fun times with.  I do know that You are the main reason for this wonderful season, but You also made my heart to miss those special relationships that meant so much to me.  Thank You for them, and for the time I had them, and I pray for my other relationships to be what You would have them to be...most especially my relationship with You!

Chapel Lesson - Awesome Lesson

It's funny, it has been a crazy day, and I just knew today that I needed to take some time to write.  It helps me so much when I do.  I knew exactly what I wanted to write about.  I had to write about the chapel lesson the Lord gave to me for last week.  The reason that that is funny to me, is because I just looked at the title to my last post and it's a similar theme, but I didn't even realize it until I looked at the title just now.
Last week I was asked if I would be willing to do the first chapel of the school year for elementary.  I LOVE chapel, love to do chapel, so of course I said I would be willing.  But once I said that, then I had to think and pray about what I should talk about.  On the way home from church Wednesday night, the Lord brought to mind something about new things, beginnings, starting, and growing.  Then the neatest thing happened!  He just randomly (which was of course not random for Him...just for me :) brought to mind my plants, specifically my spider plant.  A couple of years ago, one of my students brought in a spider plant for me as a gift.  I was so excited, I love plants and we used to have spider plants when I was growing up, so it was cool to have my own now.  That spider plant has grown a lot since she gave it to me, I even have two new plants that I have grown from the one she gave me...and there are still some other small plants hanging from the original that I need to replant.  But the Lord made me think of that plant and also brought a great lesson to mind thinking about that plant.  Here it is:
It's a new school year, students are in new classes, with new friends, and even a new elementary teacher this year.  And even some of us have new roles this year.  With all the newness, it made me think of what a clean slate the beginning of a new year holds.  Some students are just starting school for the first time ever, they have to learn to get up in the morning and be ready for a school day.  Others are in new grades learning new things from last year.  It might cross some of our minds to think, man, I wish I was back home, or back in kindergarten, or back in the previous grade where it was easier.  But if that were the case we wouldn't be able to grow and learn.  The Lord didn't intend for us to stay in one grade and never to learn more or grow more.  He has a plan for our lives.  This spider plant is a neat plant because of the leaves and how they grow, but also because from the main plant, some smaller plants also grow.  (I showed them the spider plant with the smaller plants hanging from it)  These smaller plants have been hanging off of my main spider plant for several months now.  They have not done much.  They haven't grown much, just a little, but there is not much to notice about them because they are just hanging from the main plant.  They are probably comfortable just hanging, they are getting there nourishment from the main plant.  The problem is, these smaller plants are not much of a help to the bigger plant because they are taking some of the nutrients and nourishment from the main plant.  Plus, I know that these smaller plants can become so much more if I do something to them.  What I would need to do to them, may seem cruel, and may not be pleasant for the young plant, but I know that in the end it will make the smaller plants absolutely beautiful!  I need to cut the smaller plants from the main plant.  Of course plants don't have feelings like we do, but when we think of things being cut, we think of pain.  Sometimes in our lives this is what the Lord needs to do for us.  He needs to cut us...cut us from where we are comfortable, cut us...to make us grow and be more beautiful and useful for Him.  I don't like to be uncomfortable, I don't like change very much, but there are times in my life, before and now, where the Lord has had to cut me from my comfortable place.  He had something more for me, and the only way that He could produce that was to cut me from where I was.  These smaller plants have looked the same for months, they haven't grown much, and really are not of much value just hanging off of the larger plant.  Me, being the plant caretaker, I know the best thing for me to do is to cut them off, and replant them on their own.  When that happens, it's tough at first because those smaller plants have to learn to get their own nutrients from the soil, they have to learn to get used to a new place and to stand strong on their own.  It's not easy at first, but then they get used to it and realize what they need to do to survive.  And once that happens, they thrive in their new environment, and grow beautifully.  (I then pull out of a bag one of the smaller plants that I cut from the year before that has grown beautifully into a new, vibrant, healthy plant)  This is a plant that used to look just like these smaller plants, there wasn't much to it at first.  When I put it in the soil, it took a bit for it to get used to it's new surroundings and new life apart from the main plant.  But it did get used to it, it did survive, and it is a beautiful, thriving plant.  And from this new plant, in the future it will produce some smaller plants that it will help start out until I as the planter cut them to grow on their own.  We are at the start of a new school year.  We have a lot of new things to learn, learning letters and how to write them and say them correctly for the first time for some...to starting to have homework for others...to learning multiplication and division, to learning about different countries, and many other things.  We as teachers hope by the end of this year, you all will have grown.  We expect you to grow physically...taller, maybe wider for some :).  We expect you to grow academically...learning all the things you need to learn before you go on to the next grade to learn more.  But more importantly than those things, we, as Christian school teachers hope and pray that you will each grow spiritually...closer to the Lord, knowing and understanding more things about Him, so you can share them, and help others to grow in Him as well.  The Lord has cut us from where we were, and He is challenging us to grow in the new places He has "planted" or placed us.  He wants us to learn to adjust so we can grow beautiful and healthy in Him, and for Him.
(This chapel lesson was such a lesson for me, the Lord used it to really speak to my heart as well, as I shared it with the students.)
Lord, thank you for bringing this lesson to mind when I asked You for something.  And thank you for using something so simple to help teach your truths.  Kindergarten all the way through Sixth grade, and even on up to us as teachers, could all relate and understand this wonderful lesson.  Thank You for what You taught me as You brought these thoughts to my mind for me to use for chapel.  Help me to remember this important lesson, You know this is a struggle for me, so bring me back often to the spider plant to remind me that You want to make something beautiful of me for You.  I may not always like the process, but the outcome is always amazing and beautiful!  Help me remember!

Cutting and Growing

It has been a loooong week!!!  A bit stressful, a bit crazy, a bit emotional...just lots going on.  It was just one of those weeks where one thing after the other was knocking me down...taking the wind out of me.  One of those weeks where Satan kept trying to get the best of my mind and my spirit.  One of those weeks where it was just a struggle to try to keep going.  One of those weeks where so many things were weighing heavy on my heart.  One of those weeks that exhausts you physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  One of those weeks that just seemed as if it would never end.  Well, it's Friday, and here I am at the end of this long, crazy, stressful, emotional, hot week!
Of course that has nothing at all to do with me, the Lord helped me through, even though there were some times this week where I wasn't sure if He was helping me at all.  Times where I was just feeling so beat up, pushed down, on the verge of drowning with no help in sight.  Then came yesterday!
 I read one of my devotions that I have set up on my phone that was titled "When You Are Weak, He Is Strong".  And one of the lines that stood out to me was, "Stop focusing on your weaknesses...focus on His strength."  I was definitely focusing on those weaknesses this week.  Thinking of my failures and how weak I felt, but forgetting that when I am weak, He is strong, and is my strength. Then Psalm 50:15 popped out at me yesterday morning as well, "And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me."  I called out to Him and claimed that promise that He would deliver me.  I want to glorify His name and tell of the wonderful things He has done, but when Satan is constantly attacking and feeding me lies that's a hard thing to be able to do.  I love how God works, though, because then I hopped on Facebook for a bit, and one of the first posts I saw was from author Michelle McKinney Hammond, she wrote, "In spite of how you feel choose to praise.  Exchange the garment of heaviness for something lighter. Worship your way through the storm. #trust."  That definitely got my attention! Just minutes later she posted again, "If you are having a face pressed to the floor kind of day.  First, you are not alone.  Second, this too shall pass.  Wait before God. #trust."  And a few minutes later, this one that I truly loved..."Even if u can't see anything different happening in yr life. Anticipate it.  A lot goes on beneath the surface before you see a flower #trust." Isn't that good?  And a little later..."Anticipate God's best even when u can't see it.  Embrace His love even when u can't feel it.  Trust His Word even when u can't hear it. #trust."  Those were some of the exact feelings I had been struggling with!  No, I'm not done yet, these next two were hitting me right where I was as well..."Doubt is the devils way of distracting you from God's promises.  Speak faith to your soul and override his voice with worship. #trust." and "The devil specializes in making us question God.  It is a futile attempt to steal the joy of your salvation. Don't go there! #trust #Faithful."  Whoa!!! Love that, "Don't go there!" :)  Boy, did I need all of that!  The Lord woke me and got my attention for sure.  There were others, too, that were such a blessing that I will share at the end.  I definitely started to speak some of those truths and words to the Lord...and to Satan, reminding him that my mind didn't belong to him, but to God.
As I went to work that morning, some of those stresses that I had been so burdened with earlier were not looming so heavy on me anymore.  And at school I get to work with such amazing ladies that I couldn't focus on those negative things anymore.  Then Mama G and I got to talking and she was just randomly started telling me about the plant she had in the window.  It is a really neat looking plant that I have always liked. She started telling me that when she got it, it was pretty much dead.  She just started to cut the stems back a little and it started doing just fine.  She said she just recently had to cut it back a little bit again, and then she said, "Yea, I had to cut it, because then it gives it the strength to grow."  Right after she said that God jolted my mind and I looked at her and said, "Wow, that is a great spiritual lesson right there!"  And when she thought about it, she agreed and we both ended up with goose bumps!  We ended up sharing some things with each other, and were able to encourage one another!  I'll tell you, I don't like the cutting, I don't crave it or seek it, but I guess it just helps me to think and know that through that I can have the strength to grow in Him!  What could be more special!
Lord, you know this week has been a tough one for me!  You've been there through it all, though, I'm sorry I know at times I complained to You that I didn't think You were.  Satan was getting the best of me. I was weak. Thank You for breaking through to speak to me Your truth through Your Word and through others that you allowed to be a blessing.  It's hard to go through these times, and I don't like them.  I know they'll come again, but thank You for a little reprieve from Satan's strong attacks.  And thank You for encouraging me! Help me remember these truths!

More posts from Michelle McKinney Hammond:
"I shatter the power of discouragement over you today.  Take courage that God is God and is able to do what He has promised."
"Have a blessed day anticipating God's best for you.  Never settle for less.  Hope all things.  Believe all things.  God never fails."
"Sometimes you just have to talk to yourself.  Say self, God is faithful, no matter what. Bless the Lord.  Anticipate a miracle."
"Sometimes when you can't stand on the promises of God you need to cling to them.  It's always darkest before the dawn."
"You have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow.  So wait for the light. It's on the way.  Rest assured.  This too shall pass."
Amen! :)

Learning From the Potter

So it is officially summer, has been for about a week now. (Well, a couple of weeks now.  You can see it's taken me a little bit to get this finished.)  It's nice to have a break.  I did get a bit emotional on that last day of school, but it didn't seem to be as much as I usually do.  I was so ready to be done as I said before.  Things ended well, and after going back the next day to finish cleaning my room, I was officially finally on my break.  Saturday was busy with graduation parties, and Sunday was church of course.  So Monday was my day to be completely knocked out...and I was!  My exhaustion certainly caught up to me, it's been a full year of constantly being on the go, constant struggles, constant emotion.  I was very thankful for a couple of days where I just chose not to think about anything or worry about anything, but just to sit back and relax a little.  Yet, my heart was still so heavy from sadness and stress from the past year.  Instead of time to be still and know that He is God, Satan was definitely taking this time and using my mind as his playground.  It was and is, a struggle.  "What am I doing wrong?"  "Have you forgotten me?"  "Why do I see other people getting blessed?"  "When will I get my blessing?"  "When will I see my prayers answered?"  "Don't you see my struggles...feel my pain...hear my cry...see the faith I'm trying to have.......care??"  I had seen some great blessings, on the last day of school, not only did I get some wonderful gifts from my kids, but I also for some reason received a generous anonymous gift from people that wanted to be a blessing to me!  It was such an amazing surprise!  It was a huge blessing!  I had also been finding some great encouragement through my devotions.  Yet, in the back of my mind, the struggles and questions still rose.  It was hard to quiet them.
I had been invited to go hear a friend share what the Lord has taught and shown him through pottery.  I had been invited by him before, but had never been able to make it, but this time I did.  I was really looking forward to it and knew it would be neat to see, and would be such a help to me.  I sat with some other friends who were also there, they had been before, but brought a group of their church teens with them.  They warned me that I may need some tissues.  I did have a couple on hand, but sweet Natalie gave me her packet of tissues in case I needed more, which she figured I would. (She knows me well :)  Right from the start I was amazed at what I was hearing and needed my tissues.  The potter talked about where the clay came from, which I never knew, was the swamp.  But he started working with the clay to get it ready and as he did so, he was constantly pushing it down, applying pressure. He related that to our lives and how the Lord applies pressure to our lives as well.  The reason the potter does this is to help bring the impurities to the surface and get rid of them.  He related that to how the Lord works in our lives.  We don't like the pressure, it hurts, but it is a special time for Him to work with us and help us.  And though we may be screaming that it hurts and telling Him that we want Him to stop applying that pressure, He gently tells us just to hold on.  He is doing it because He knows the final outcome and how beautiful that will be.  He has a plan that goes beyond the pressure to something more useful, but He has to do this necessary part first.  Then the potter even said, this may be when we ask, "Why do I see others getting blessed and why am I not seeing blessings?"  Wow!  Just the things I needed to hear!  The potter then showed how he puts the clay on the wheel, making sure it's centered.  It takes some work to keep it centered because it isn't the natural reaction when the clay gets on that wheel.  The Lord works hard to center us, too, and to keep us centered in Him.  But then another part that I found so interesting was that when he started to make the pot, he mentioned that he needed to get into the heart of the clay.  He pushed his fingers into the center.  He said he had to get into the heart of it, so that way he could build it up.  Then he started shaping it, working on the inside and outside to build it up as much as he could.  The Lord gets into our hearts so He can build us up in Him.  Even through that process it took some pressure and some careful time.  Once he got the height he wanted he started to shape the pot the way he wanted to.  He said as he worked with the clay, he could picture what he wanted it to look like, he could see his plan for it.  That's the way the Lord sees us, though we can't see His grand plan, He knows.  It amazed me how almost precious that piece of clay seemed to the potter, he really took time and care with it to make it become what he wanted it to be.  It made me think of the Lord with me, He does care, all of these struggles are going to make me more of what He wants me to be.  I don't know what that exactly is, but He does, and that's why He is working hard, and though it may be painful for me, He is excited because He is starting to see His plan take shape in me.  The potter even mentioned some of the struggles we may face and totally got some of the ones I face.  He said we need to be careful not to be angry at God for things that Satan has done or is doing to us.  He even "scarred" the pot...put some design marks on it.  He said we may have some scars in our lives, but instead of being so ashamed of them,or trying to hide them, we should use them as a testimony to show others how good God is.  Those "scars" are what so many people are attracted to when they look at the pots.  The scars in our lives can attract people to us, so we can show them to Christ.  So many great lessons, and yet there was so much more that he shared and there were some truly deep moments, but they were all beautifully illustrated with this potter and his clay.  I was so touched, as were so many others.  What an incredible journey to see the Lord and His love for me illustrated in this way!  I was beyond blessed and learned so much that I will continue to carry with me!  It was wonderful and I plan to go again another time when he is giving his presentation nearby, and to invite some other friends!  I want to keep those reminders in my mind and hope others who need it will go and be as blessed as I was.  Here's the link so you can take your own little Journey to the Potter's House.  You can also find him on Facebook at Facebook.com/AJourneyToThePottersHouse.

Lord, thank you for this amazing lesson from Dr. Ferris!  Thank you for giving him such wisdom and insight to relay this beautiful message to us in such a special way!  The illustrations were such wonderful learning tools, help me to hold on to them and not forget the things I learned, and that You wanted to teach me through this!  Thank you for loving me and wanting me to be beautiful for you, even if I don't always see it!

The End of an Era

I know the title seems pretty dramatic, but I really do feel that it will fit this post.  I have been a little emotional lately, and this may have a tendency toward that, so just a forewarning, you may not wish to continue reading as it may be more of an emotional post.  But I feel the need to put this out there.  I have been thinking of a couple of different ideas that I planned to blog about, but just never got my thoughts all together, or took the time to do a post.  It's been a little crazy lately.  As I sit here tonight, though, the night before the last day of school, I feel compelled to write some thoughts down.
As this year draws to a close, I don't find myself feeling the normal emotions of sadness for the year being over, reminiscing on the year and my class, I am feeling more of a sense of relief that this year is over.  I may get emotional tomorrow, but I'm not sure.  I'm so ready for a break!!  But then that's when another part of me kicks in and hates to see the year come to a close.  My friend Angie was here for part of this year, so it's sad to see it end without her, and next year will be a just a full year without her.  I hate not having her here to share this end of the year time, to see her son graduate from 6th grade to Jr. High.  To see her "kids" graduate.  Graduation will be terribly sad without her!  She has been around for my whole teaching career (all 16 years), and now she's not.  We would plan some times to get together during the summer to go to Olive Garden and do some shopping, Charming Charlie or Sparkle or wherever.  It was just special times with us and the girls.  I never did get to introduce her to one of my favorite places- Dave and Busters.  And this would have been a great summer to do that!  When I go back for my 17th year she won't be there to encourage me, give me confidence, encourage the students, new and old and parents to be excited about a new year and what God was going to do.  Her spirit will be truly missed, as it already has been, but now in a different way and time.
Then thinking of summertime (though I'm so excited about it), makes me sad to think that this is the first summer that I will be spending without my mom.  The past two summers were all about her.  The first summer just trying to do things with her,  trying to keep her mind stimulated, and making as many memories as possible.  Then last summer was just a busy emotional summer as I watched her go downhill so quickly, and I wanted to make the most of the time I had with her.  It wasn't easy and wasn't always fun, but we had each other.  This will be a long time without her, where it's just Bella and me.  Christmas is only two weeks and is kind of busy, spring break is only a week, and goes by way too fast anyway, but this will be a full summer of just missing her presence in my life.  School consumed so much of my time right away after losing her, so now it will be different as things come to mind from last summer.  This past weekend I had a dream about my pappy, too, which was so real, he was healthy and well and we were chatting away.  It was sad to wake up and realize it was only a dream.  Not only was he not here, but neither was mom.

Then on Sunday I saw my second "real" butterfly.  I have seen some of the little butterflies flying around, but Sunday I saw a yellow swallowtail butterfly.  Since I had a butterfly engraved on mom's casket, every time I see one, I think of her!  Then that same night, I saw about 4 fireflies or lightning bugs, and every time I see those they remind me of pappy!  We would go out on hot summer nights and try to catch one.  So it has been a bit emotional.  Then there were the graduation parties that remind me how quickly time flies, and how exciting it was at that age to have your whole life ahead of you, with so much to look forward to.
I also spent some time last week talking with who I call my "little brother" Marcus, reminiscing about his grandmother Julia Sims who passed away last week.  Yet another beautiful, strong woman the Lord chose to take home.  I called her Ma Sims and she was like a grandmother to me.  She was a funny lady and people could easily get on her bad side, but she seemed to have a soft spot for me.  She was a no-nonsense type lady, and I loved her spirit.  She had no problem telling boys or young men to pull their pants up or to turn their music down.  And they rarely got mad at her when she did.  I don't know if it was the head of beautiful white hair that they couldn't resist or her look that maybe made them nervous, or how she would share with them her wisdom and why she felt strongly about it.  She was good!  She would often say she didn't care if they got mad, she was on her way to heaven anyway.  I remember many Sunday dinners when she would sit at our dinner table with us.  I remember so vividly my dad coming up from being downstairs watching bowling bringing up some sodas for dinner.  He would see Ma Sims and ask her how she was doing.  She would look at him with a serious face and ask, "Why, you writin' a book?"  My dad being the wise-crack himself would say, "Yea, I am writing a book."  And without a moment's hesitation she would fire back, "Well, leave that chapter out then."  She was pretty quick with a sarcastic, sharp sense of humor.  She would get pretty heated about some things sometimes and would do some little turns in the chair and flip her skirt over her knee and hit it with her hand and quite enthusiastically share what she needed to say.  She was fun to watch.  I remember her coming over sometimes on Saturday mornings or other times complaining about her hair, I loved her phrase, "My hair is looking like a hoorah's nest." (Her hair was always beautiful!)  Then there were those people that thought they needed to do everything or who thought that things would not get done without them, and she would simply remind them, "One monkey don't stop no show."  And she would often remind people, "Payday don't always come on Friday."  She was one-of-a-kind! I haven't seen her in a while, her memory was failing her just like mom's was.  It was sad to think about, she was a nurse for years at Hartford Hospital and was sharp as a tack.  She always talked about sitting on her couch eating ice cream and watching the Red Sox, one of her favorite things to do. Those are some special memories of special times a while ago.  Then my parents and later on she herself would get sick and those times ended.
Then a few days ago I heard that Jean Stapleton passed away.  She was Edith Bunker from All in the Family.  When I heard that it just made me sad because we all loved watching that show.  I know this seems so random, but Mom, Dad, and I loved watching this together.  It just reminds me of those fun times.  Dad would crack up at some of the things Archie would say.  It once again it made me think of mom and dad and our times spent together laughing and joking, watching TV, or just whatever.  I miss those times!  It saddened me to think of so many things that have changed.  Actors, friends, family, family friends that have passed that remind me that this special era or time of my life has changed and is changing.  That has been hard for me.  If you've read other blog posts you know I'm not a fan of change.  Yet part of me hates that life is so predictable right now with nothing new to look forward to, same thing just about everyday, school, then home with Bella, or church, then home with Bella.  I know I need to be content in whatsoever state I am, but if I'm going to be real, I'm struggling with that right now.  It's nice to have those memories, but I do miss those times...good times.
Lord, You know this is a hard time for me right now.  I've been telling You about it. Some special people are gone and some special memories are locked in my mind as these people and times are no longer.  Help me to remember You have a hope, plan, and a purpose for my future.  I know my future is Heaven, but please help me to see things You have for me here too.  Help me through these times when I'm truly missing people and times that were so dear.  Help me to draw nearer to You during these times as well.  Keep me from hearing Satan's lies and help me to find my strength and delight in You.  Be near to me as I draw nigh to You.

Did I Make It?

I don't think I have written about my day in a while, but Friday was just one of "those" days!  One of those that I feel merits a blog post.  I needed to be at school early to help out with morning duty, that's a tough one for me, and it didn't help that I didn't hear my alarm for about 20 minutes.  So, I was prepared to have to skip something, and of course that ended up being breakfast.  But I made it there...about on time-ish.  Morning duty went fairly smoothly, though the kids were quite excited.  It was Friday for one, then it was Amerathon day, and fifth grade was having their International Celebration day.  I went to my friend Cathy's room to ask or tell her something and mentioned how I had no breakfast that morning, so she gave me her cucumbers that she had for her lunch and a Granny Smith apple (the only kind of apple I will even eat, which she knew:).  As I was walking out of her room, the cutest little bug, named Ava was in the hallway and I had to say hello.  She looked at me with that sweet little face and asked me what I was eating, but I had just finished the cucumbers, but still had the apple.  I asked her if she wanted a bite and she did.  Then she gave it back so I could eat some, then she wanted another bite, and then I got another couple of bites in before I gave over to the extreme cuteness and let her have the rest.  I was enjoying talking to mom and watching her chomp on this big apple.  We were talking a little about missing our sweet friend Angie.  Last week for some reason was a really hard one for missing her.  I talked to about 4 or 5 people who were also really missing her.  As I was in the hallway, mom and dad's pastor, Pastor Jason came in and had my CD that I forgot to get from the church after mom's funeral, and then he had some old pictures from church which had my parents in them.  So, of course that brought on more emotions, but it was so nice to get them.  We finally got our day started with seatwork and trying to get a subject in before the day went into crazy mode.  When it was time, we went down to the auditorium to hear and learn about the countries the fifth graders had chosen to study, learn, and talk about.  It was a bit emotional because Karen, the teacher asked me to sit in the back to be a reference point for the kids (she had to ask me, because Angie did that for her and the kids every year).  So I sat in the reserved DAL chair, which stood for the Designated Angie Larson.  It definitely made me miss her more.  Some of the Jr. High and High School came in to watch, and Gabby, Angie's daughter sat next to me.  When things were just getting ready to get started Gabby jumped a little and Karen was looking toward the door asking my friend Cathy if everything was OK.  Cathy just smiled and nodded, but Gabby informed me that something fell from the ceiling right by Cathy as she was standing there.  I thought that was pretty crazy, but didn't think much else of it, because I was trying to focus on being a good, helpful, smiling reference point for the fifth grade kids.  It wasn't until their speaking parts were over that Cathy informed us that it wasn't just "something" that fell from the ceiling, but a mouse!!  It fell right in front of her and she asked someone to get paper towels for her so she could pick it up and get rid of it.  As she went to pick it up, it started moving, so it wasn't dead, as she thought it might have been.  So she was running down the hall saying "Oh my, it's still alive!"  She went to a door and chucked it as hard as she could far from the school.  After that excitement, we went to the other side of the room to visit the tables that the kids had set up with pictures and different things from that country and some food to try.  We enjoyed that for a bit, then went back to the room for a few minutes, got in a little bit of learning before I sent the kids down to the restroom to change for the Amerathon walk.
As the students were lining up to go, one of my boys was a bit excited and started throwing his shorts up in the air and was trying to catch them.  As I was telling him to get in line properly, he threw them up again, and they got stuck on one of the pipes.  He looks at me to see what I am going to do, and I simply tell him that it is too bad that he will not have shorts to wear outside for the walk.  He goes into "solve the problem" mode and starts moving a chair, and then a desk over to where the shorts are and I tell him that in no way is he allowed to try any of those means to get them down.  He went down to the restroom disappointed, but I wanted him to learn a good lesson.  A bit later I went back to take a picture of them, but they had fallen down somehow.  So I gave in and just gave them to him to put on.  So, I tried throwing them back up so I could get my picture, but it wasn't working, so I had to climb on a desk to put them back up.  By that point some of the kids had caught me, but were willing accomplices to help me and closed the door so the others wouldn't see.  I got my picture, and by the time this little boy came back they were still up there.  I told the class to go wait in the hallway to walk down, and I made him go as well.  He was pretty bummed because he thought I was going to get them for him.  I hit them so they slid off again, and when I met the other kids in the hallway, I told this little boy he could go back and see if they had fallen off and if they had he could go put them on.  So, needless to say, he was excited to find out that they had "fallen" down and he could wear them after all.  They went out and ran/walked their 25 laps and then we came back in and it was time to go to lunch.
At lunch my class had won a pizza party for the most class participation for bringing their Amerathon mailers in.  So they were very excited about that.  As we go into the lunchroom, my same little gem of a boy walks into the kitchen area, and yells out to my friend and her husband (who had been working hard all day with the Amerathon, making sure there was water outside, and oranges were cut up for the kids, and granola bars out for them to have, and counting out rubber bands for each child to have 25, and then running to go get the pizzas for school lunch and then for our pizza party) "So when are we gonna have our pizza party?"  Or something to that affect.  That also did not sit well with me and I told him to go sit down at the lunch table and wait quietly.  A little later I saw him coming out of the kitchen area again.  I asked if he had the nerve to ask them again about when they were going to be getting the pizza....and yes, he did.  Then as my friend was passing out slices to everyone, I asked her to withhold his.  He of course couldn't figure out why he hadn't gotten any pizza or soda.  I made him wait about a good 10 minutes or so.  As I called him over to me to give him his pizza and let him know the reason he didn't get it right away, I see him putting something under the table as if trying to hand something to someone across the table.  When I asked, he said one of the other boys had given him a couple of chips since he didn't have anything to eat.  Oh my!  So, I made him wait longer.  When I finally gave it to him, the other kids were on their seconds and just about done.  As I explained it to him, I think...I hope he got the message.  Before he could even think about seconds I told him he needed to apologize to my friend and her husband!  He did so, and was able to eat a little more before it was time to head to recess.  It killed me to have recess when they had just been out for a while running for the Amerathon, but we did have some recess time.  We did get a little work in, in the mean time.  In the afternoon I just put on the rest of our Treasures of the Snow movie, which was a good way to end the day.  After school I left quickly to head home to take out the pup.  Gave her some time outside, brought her back in and gave her her dinner, then a snack and headed back to Newington to get to the Sports Picnic.  Of course it's Friday night traffic, so it was a bit stressful and I was trying to get back to be on time for helping to hand out the cheer leading awards.  When I got there, they had already started with the cheer leading awards and I got up there just in time to give out one of the awards, though I felt a bit discombobulated at the time.  But made it through.  Watched the other awards given out and kept getting emotional about certain awards.  Then came the award that I had already thankfully been given a heads up on, or that would have been worse for me.  But the school has been giving a Falcon award to people who have been such a great help during the sports seasons in many different ways.  Well, they decided to change the name of the award now, it's no longer the Falcon award, but the Angie Larson Memorial Award.  Coach Eric talked about why he wanted to change it, and tried not to choke up as he shared his heart.  I was trying so hard not to just lose it and sob, that I just ended up giving myself a headache, oh my!  It was special and my friend Brenda was blessed to be the recipient this year.  She was very touched, and it was a special moment at the picnic.

I got to spend a little time afterward talking to friends which was nice.  Then headed home back to Bella.  It's  often tough coming home from something like that and not having anyone to share it with.  But it was good to just veg for a little bit before I went to bed.  Definitely a long, emotional, busy day, but ending it with my sweet girl by my side made me happy!  So thankful for her!

Lord, these days are tough...and I have been having a few of those lately.  I need You and Your help everyday, but on days like this even more so.  Help me to remember on days like this that You haven't left me, You are always there...there with me, there helping me...there to give me peace if I keep my mind stayed on You!  Thank you for that!  Help me as I sometimes struggle to remember that.  Thank You for being patient with me!