Precious Moments

I don't want this to be overkill or anything, but I have wanted to share this since my mom passed and I haven't had the chance yet.  So, here's my chance.
Thursday, August 9, I woke up, went into mom's room to check on her, and once again, I was so thankful to see her breathing.  She was breathing much heavier.  But I was just glad to hear her breathing, she was still here... still with me.  I could still hug on her, kiss her, talk to her, sing to her, pray with her, read Scripture to her, hold her hand, touch her, smell her, love on her, and take care of her.  I gave her some more morphine, took Bella out and then came back in and changed her.  She wasn't responding to much at all, not even to being moved.  She wasn't opening her eyes really at all either.  But I still talked to her, and prayed with her and held her.  A little later I got a huge surprise as the phone rang, when I looked at the caller ID it had my cousin's name on it.  Now the big deal about that was, this was a cousin we hadn't heard from in years.....several years.  She has struggled with life.  She struggled when she was younger, college age, and for years after.  She got saved and changed her life around, found a great guy, got married and had two beautiful children.  But then the old demons came back and she started struggling again, not long after her mother passed away.  Her husband took the kids and moved back home with his family in South Carolina because it was no longer safe with her.  We didn't hear from her after that, always wondering where she was and how she was.  So....this was the cousin who called, what a shock!!!  She asked how my mom was doing and I told her a little of what had been going on and told her she wasn't doing well.  She asked me if I could just put the phone up to mom's ear so she could talk to her.  When I did that and my cousin started talking to her, my mom's eyes fluttered a little.  It was so amazing to see that!  I could tell she could hear her, and knew this was an important call, and it was special.  That was the last real response I saw from her.
The nurse came later that morning to check her vitals.  Her temperature was fine at 97.9.  Her oxygen level was 98%.  Her pulse was a bit high, but she was breathing pretty heavy.  When the nurse took mom's blood pressure it was 90/50.  I asked if that was bad.  She brought my aunt and I out into the hallway and told us that it was a very low blood pressure.  She said when it's that low, it's a sign of the body shutting down.  She said it could be hours, or it could be days, you just can never tell.  That was difficult to hear.  I mean I think you get to a point that you know it can't be much longer, but somehow you just hope against hope that things might change, that a miracle might happen, that you'll get more time.  Even though you don't want to see them like that, there's still a desire to have them with you.  I guess maybe it could be that when they are still with you, there is still a chance for a miracle or something.  With that new knowledge I knew it was going to be a day close to home and especially close to mom.  That day was spent in the kitchen and in mom's room.  Taking Bella out was the farthest I went that day!  I kept going into mom's room to talk to her and sing to her, and read the Bible to her.  I just wanted to be around her, even though she was not responding at all.  I would go out of the room once in a while and her sister would go in and spend time with her.  Then I would go in later to spend more time with her.  That's pretty much how the day went.  Again, she wasn't eating, so I spent time swabbing her mouth with water, so it wouldn't be so dry.  She was breathing so heavy with her mouth open, I knew it had to be getting pretty dry.  Between my aunt and myself, we never left mom's side that day.
That night my aunt asked me what I wanted to do about bed.  I didn't understand what she was asking.  Then she explained to me that one of us should stay up with her while the other slept and then switch.  I hadn't thought of that and I'm so glad she did.  I was so worried that mom would pass in the middle of the night and we would wake up in the morning and find her cold, and I didn't want that.  So, I was so glad she suggested that!  Since I am a night owl, and since I was keeping up with the Olympics and staying up late anyway, I offered to start off, and let my aunt sleep.  I watched the Olympics, swabbed mom's mouth, sang to her, talked to her, prayed with her, held her hand, spent time on my phone, and pretty much repeated that whole process.    At about one in the morning, mom's pastor texted to ask if it would be OK to come over to see her.  I told him that would be fine, I was still up.  He was unable to sleep because he had just gotten word that his niece was being flown to a hospital in another town in North Carolina because she had an accident with a horse.  He didn't know much, but heard that she had internal bleeding, and a couple of other problems.  So, he came over and we talked in mom's room for a while.  I sat holding mom's hand as we talked.  I just wanted to be close to her.  I noticed that she seemed to be breathing a little harder, and a couple of times would make a kind of huff sound, so I was watching her closely.  We talked for about a half hour, and then he left to head home.  After he left, I decided to charge my phone.  As I was plugging it in and listening to mom, I was also asking the Lord how I would know when to call my aunt to come into the room...just in case....  Mom seemed to be breathing heavier, but was it heavier than before or was I just thinking it was heavier...how would I know?  After asking that, I turned around to go sit beside mom some more and was shocked to see her eyes open a little bit.  That's the moment I knew to get my aunt to come into the room.  She came in and we both stood over mom, my aunt on one side while I was on the other.  We held her hands and rubbed her arms, and again talked to her, sang to her, prayed with her, basically just loved on her.  Earlier in that week I had a couple of people tell me to be sure to let her know it was OK to go.  Though I know they meant well, I was not even thinking of going there.  I never told that to my pappy, and he still went when it was his time.  Other people might be OK with doing that, but I'm not them.  So though I know they meant well, that was fine for them....but just not for me.  It wasn't OK with me!  How do I tell my best friend that it is OK to leave me.....leave me all alone...no dad, no brothers, no sisters, no husband, no boyfriend, no kids....just me...alone?  How do I tell this amazing woman who I loved to spend time with, even when she was sick and not able to do as much, that it was OK to go, leaving me without that fun partner to hang out with.  She's my mom, I need her, it's not OK.  All the memories of trips to the mall, beaches, aquariums, fairs, musicals, and plays at the Bushnell came flooding to mind.  All the memories of times spent together, with Bella, in the car, in the house, during holidays...memories that no one else except us could share came to mind.  All the memories of younger, healthier days came to mind, days where I would never have imagined having to even deal with something like this.  It was NOT OK.
But.............
As I stood there watching her breathe so heavily, something else came to mind....thoughts that even though mom had Alzheimer's and couldn't remember much, and even though she was not even really there, she was holding on.  I know she was holding on because in her mind it wasn't OK to leave me, she wanted to, but was hesitant to.  That's the moment I knew I had to do the difficult thing....that's the moment I looked into mom's eyes and told her what an amazing mom she was.  I told her that she lived such a great life doing so many things for so many people....helping so many....working so hard.  I told her she was my best gal and that I loved her so much!  I told her that her little love Bella was on the floor at the foot of the bed, just laying down and resting, and she was going to be OK.  I told her that her sister was standing next to her, holding her hand, and she was going to be OK.  I told her that I know she was looking right at me, and could see my eyes and my face and she could see that I was OK.  I told her we were all going to be OK, and that it was now time for her to take her rest, we were all going to be OK.  Eventually her breathing started to slow down, and it got softer, and continued to slow down and soften, and slow down and soften.  Pretty soon she took a short, quiet breath in and eventually another....and  another...and another, all the while my aunt and I reminded her that it was OK.  Then she took one more little breath in...and that was it....she didn't breathe in again, and she was gone from us.  Gone from us here, but happily home in heaven with her Lord and Savior...and my pappy, her beloved and very missed husband.  Though it was a very sad moment, it was also a very precious moment to see her sweetly go home.  My aunt looked at the clock and then I did.  The time was 2:09, but my aunt said when she looked it said 2:08, and she looked before I did.  So, at 2:08 on August 10, 2012, my precious mom, my best gal, my best friend.....my mommy... went home to heaven.  Her eyes sweetly shut on their own and her mouth was no longer gaping open as it had been while she was trying to get in those breaths.  I just kissed her more, and again told her how special she was to me.  Then I held her hand, and got the great picture from the previous post of our hands together.  There was still such strength in her hand, and it was a special moment to be able to hold it one more time...before the nurse came to pronounce her, and the funeral home came to take her.  These precious moments will always be in my memory and I am so thankful for them!!
Lord, thank you for the strength you've given me to make it through this summer with mom.  Thank you for the time to spend with her.  Thank you for allowing me to have the strength to take care of her.  Thank you for letting me be with her up to the end.  Thank you for all these precious moments!
I miss her so much, Lord!  It's hard to be here without her or my pappy.   But thank you for the memories and special times shared with these amazing people that you gave to me to be my parents.  It's been a privilege to be a part of our little family, nothing will ever be able to compare to it, and it was definitely a huge privilege to be able to take care of them.  They are in your hands now.  Give them my love!

These Are the Moments...

These are some of the precious moments I spent with mom the past few weeks! Many wonderful memories to look back on and enjoy! So thankful the Lord gave me these moments! Again, never take those special moments for granted!

 From the hospital....

To getting the house ready to take care of her...

Mom in her new wheelchair...

 Mom with her Bella in her wheelchair...starting to struggle with swallowing, which is why the shirt got a little messy...

Sweet memory during the storm...

Trying to keep our minds off of the storm...

Who can resist that adorable wink??

The change in just a couple of days...

 Visitors on Tuesday...Pastor Jason, Jordan, Pam Brown, Betty Russell...

 Trying to keep mom comfy, starting to give her morphine so she wouldn't be so restless and in pain...

 Beautiful hydrangea from an old friend and neighbor...

Reading Scripture and this is where the Lord led me...also read during her funeral...

...with her Bella...

 Holding hands after she had just passed and gone home...

Mom finally at rest...
These are the precious moments and memories that I will hold dear forever!!
Thank you, Lord for these precious moments to remember with mom!  Thank you for her!!!  Thank you for fully healing her, and taking her home so she could rest!
I love and miss you so much mom!  You are my best gal, and I will hold you and these precious memories in my heart forever!! Give pappy hugs and kisses for me!  See you both soon!

Every Day...Every MOMENT is Precious!

As I woke up early this morning and walked into mom's room, checking to see if she was still breathing and still with me, I thanked the Lord for another day to see her breathe, to kiss her, and hold her hand, and talk to her even though she is not responding to much today.
I felt the same way yesterday morning as I walked in and she looked at me as I came in and gave her a kiss.  Yesterday she acknowledged me with a sweet look and a kiss.  She shook her head yes when I asked if she slept well.  She did the same when I asked if she was OK.   When I told her I would be back after taking Bella out, she gave me a nod.  I winked at her and she winked back.  That wink gets me every time!  I love it!  After changing her, I let her rest for a bit.  I knew she wasn't going to be able to eat much.  My aunt (her sister) came over about 9:30 that morning.  We called the hospice nurse to see if she could come out earlier to check on mom and give us advice on what to do for mom.  She told me that they don't do IV's, so we were just supposed to try to keep doing the best we can with liquids and any soft food that she might take.  Then she went through the Comfort Pack with me.  We talked and as she mentioned to me that I was doing a good job, and at least mom was home with people she loved and who loved her, I broke down.  Hearing those words at that time, hearing that there was not much else that we could do, really got to me.  I totally feel comfortable and have no regrets at all about keeping her home with me!  I thank God that He has helped me to take care of her with strength and love.  Couldn't do any of this without Him!  After the nurse left, I was excited to have a friend come over to fulfill a wish I have had for a little while now.  I have wanted to have a professional picture of mom, Bella, and myself taken for a couple of years now, but never got around to it.  Then as I see her getting weaker this week, I was getting nervous that it might not happen.  Two nights ago I contacted my friend, Cory, and she told me she could come yesterday to do that for me.  So she came and took a few pictures of mom, Bella, and me.  Then some of mom and her sister, and last some of all of us!  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed us to get that done yesterday!  I had been afraid to ask such a strange request, but she was so gracious and excited to do it for me.  So thankful!  I started contacting friends yesterday to let them know mom still wasn't eating or drinking much, and there was not much else to do for her except give her the comfort pack meds.

The homemaker/companion came to sit with her, she responded a little bit.  Then the aide came.  This was a newer aide than we had, and she was wonderful with mom.  Mom seemed to respond well to her, too.  I called her pastor to let him know what was going on, not too long after, he and his son came by to visit us.  They went in and chatted with mom, she gave a little wave when Jordan said hello, but other than that just looked at them.  I am so glad she saw their faces and heard their voices.  I'm sure that meant something to her.  He also gave us some money for dinner for my aunt and myself.  A little after mom's good friend Betty came over to see her.  It has probably been close to a year since she has seen her, because she is not a fan of crazy Bella.  The last time she came to see mom, I wasn't there.  Mom had put Bella in her crate, then decided to let her out and told her friend not to worry she would keep her on her lap.  But Bella is not willing to let anyone go unnoticed in this house, and soon bounded off mom's lap to jump on mom's friend.  She was so shocked she took one of the chair pillows and threw it at Bella.  I love my Bella, but I had to laugh about that and say that she kinda deserved it.  So, she told both mom and I that she wasn't coming over unless I was there.  So, when I told her, I'm pretty much always here with mom, she decided to come over.  When she went into the room, I could just tell mom recognized her.  She looked and held out her hand.  She has been restless and keeps moving her left hand up and down.  It reminds me of what dad did on his last day.  But it was neat to see her recognize her friend.  Then when I let Bella down, she got nervous and told me I better hold my dog, and I couldn't help but laugh, and so was she, and.....mom kinda did, too!  It was great to hear and see.  That happened a couple of times.  She fed mom some ice cream, and she took some, then she also got a little bit of grape juice spooned into her mouth.  Then not long after another of mom's friends....her niece Pam came over too.  She skipped out on her birthday dinner yesterday to come visit mom.  It was so neat to see them all together again!  Mom recognized her, too and responded to her.  They spent a nice amount of time with us.  It was a nice night.  Mom finally nodded off to sleep while they were still there.  She was pretty comfortable.  I gave her some meds to keep her from being so restless.  Her sister sat with her for a while, then I sat with her watching the Olympics for a while, just listening to her breathe.  She has been breathing heavier.  But I gave her more meds changed her, then went to sleep...or at least tried to.  I did get a little bit of rest here and there, but kept checking on her.
As I already said, this morning it was such a joy and blessing to see her chest still rising and falling.  That was a special moment.  I didn't get any of the extras, she could barely keep her eyes open, but I could still kiss her, touch her, talk to her, hold her hand.  Those are always going to be special moments for me to remember.  Another friend came over this afternoon.  She brought mom a bit of hydrangea from her garden. Then she stood over mom's bed and sang some precious songs to her, and talked to her.  The homemaker/companion joined in with a couple of songs.  It was special.  These moments and days are precious memories that I intend to hold onto forever.  So thankful for days, and for moments like these.
Lord, this is such a tough time for me.  These past few days have been very difficult, but thank you for allowing me so many wonderful moments to treasure with mom and family and friends.  Help none of us to take our days or our moments for granted.  Help us to treasure moments and days in our lives!

Family

I read some pretty incredible blogs and I so desire to have some of that smooth, suave way with words...to have one of those blogs that is worth reading, and has some great elements to it.  But.......it's me, a simple girl, with a simple mind, just wanting to share a few simple things.  Well, the reason for saying all of that is because I, in an attempt to be one of "those" blogs for a moment, thought, I'll start this post with the definition of a family to sound like one of those incredible, popular blogs.  And hahaha, this is what I get...the first link Google brought me to was from Wikipedia.  Here is what Wikipedia describes family as: "...a group of people affiliated by consanguinity, affinity, or co-residence."  Huh??  Maybe this is why I'm not one of "those"! :)  But farther down was a link to Dictionary.com which states family as " a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for."  Now that one I get!  But being the simple-minded girl that I am, my definition would be even more simple than that.  In my definition family simply means "love".
This past weekend was the Monroe-Revels Family Reunion.  I love my family reunions!!  They are so special to me.  So many memories from past family reunions, especially those down in Georgia.  That's where I first saw lizards and my aunt taught me to call out "Lizard, lizard, show your blanket" to get them to puff out the red under their chin.  It was where I first learned to ride (a bit painfully) a 10-speed bike (it was a guys bike).  It was where I ran around with my cousins, and one scary time even fell in a small well that had been used for trash.  It just took a couple of the guys to help me out.  It was where my sweet pappy and I would walk down the railroad tracks and talk, and I would learn a little about his life.  Even as I got older, we would still go for our walks and talks, I would find broken turtle shells or old train spikes, and lizards and other creatures.  I loved these walks!!!

 One time not too long ago, I went on a long walk with pappy and my uncle Cephus way back on the property...me, who doesn't do outdoors much, who is afraid of bugs and things, who hates being hot... my "country" side just seemed to come out when I was there.  It was great listening to them reminisce as we walked.  I always learned some great things about them, family and the land.
So, with all of these great memories, you can imagine my excitement for the reunion last weekend.  Just a week ago it started, sadly I didn't go because mom is needing more care and the nurses don't think she should be left alone.  So, it was killing me not to be there.  But, Saturday night, mom was all set, just relaxing in the bed, and I made my own executive decision to go.  I just had to get out to see my family!!!  I am so glad I went. It was the first time going to a family reunion all alone, that in itself was a bit emotional.  It was so great to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins!  It was great to chat it up with so many of them.  It was great to laugh, eat some great food, and enjoy myself.  It was only for a couple of hours, but boy I will treasure those hours!!

Auntie Alberta who just turned 88 this past Tuesday, Aunt Doris and  Uncle Henry 

Uncle George who is 89

Just a few highlight pictures from Saturday night!  Loved making some new family reunion memories!

I also decided to go to the closing dinner on Sunday afternoon.  Once again, mom was doing fine.  She had finished her breakfast and was fast asleep.  So another great memorable time with my family!  I am so thankful for them, and the wonderful time I had with them.  

It was a bit emotional for me to see it come to an end, but....it wasn't quite over yet!
Tuesday my cousin Patty had the family over her house to celebrate my wonderful Auntie's 88th birthday!  She is such an amazing woman!  She still lives by herself in her own house, still drives, and always plants her garden every summer.  Then I heard for the first time as one of my cousins was talking to her, that she shoots off her shot gun every New Years! :)  She cooks for my Uncle George, who at 89 still lives by himself a little up the road from my aunt.  My cousin Debra also helps take care of him and we got to compare stories about the likes, dislikes, attitudes, questions, etc. that we see on a daily basis.  It was another amazing night with my family!!  My uncle George, who also suffers from dementia was asked when I was hugging him goodbye, if he knew who I was.  He said, "Sure, it's Buddy's daughter.  I don't remember her name."  I was so surprised and excited to hear that!!  He hasn't been remembering much lately, so what a thrill for me!  Being with my family was just what I needed this past weekend.  It renewed my spirit and reminded me of the love that is family!
Lord, I thank you for my family!!  I know I am truly blessed to be a part of this crazy, fun, amazing, beautiful family!!  Thank you for allowing mom to be OK so I could sneak out a couple of times to be with them.  Thank you for helping to renew my spirit just by being with such amazing people!  Thank you for giving us another great reunion.  Thank you for allowing us another year together, especially Uncle George.  If it's your will please allow me the opportunity to see them all again.  I love my family!!!

(And thank you, Lord, for church family and wonderful friends who are just like family that you have brought into my life as well!)
(Now to finish watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics!!!!  Love watching this!!)

What in the World is Going On?

My last post was about that awful tragedy in Aurora, Colorado, that might make people ask that question.    But, since I already wrote about that, this is going to be a different post.  Now, for a little disclaimer, it's going to get a little ugly, so if you can't handle ugly, please stop reading now.  My thinking is that sometimes things have to get a little ugly before they become beautiful or show their beauty.  I mean when people get makeovers, they don't start with a pretty picture, they start with a.....well, we'll just say, not-so-flattering picture.  Then when you see the after, wow, is it beautiful!!  The beginning of a butterfly's life is not beautiful, caterpillars are not the prettiest things on the planet by any means.  When they get into the chrysalis it's kind of gross, though amazing how they shed their caterpillar skin, even to the head right before they get into that full chrysalis stage.  Chrysalises can be kind of pretty in their own right, but nothing beats the awesome beauty of that butterfly when it comes out.  Though when it first comes out with a swollen body and shriveled up wings it's not so beautiful, but after some time and let the wings dry and to simply rest after the struggle to free itself...it is an amazingly beautiful creature!!  So bare with me through the ugly if you can, because I'm hoping it will be a wow... beautiful moment after.
This is a post I have wanted to write for a while, but haven't had the chance to get it written.  So, I'm going to attempt to now.  It has been a strange summer, to say the least, and I have struggled with many different things.  I couldn't wait for the stress of the school year to be done, and to be able to be on summer vacation!  Days of sleeping in, and nights of staying up late, are just what I needed and was looking forward to.  But that first night, the same day school got out, started a change in things around the house.  After enjoying time at a friend's jewelry party, I got home and enjoyed some down time downstairs.  When I went upstairs to share some things with mom, I noticed a change, she didn't want to get up from the side of the bed, and when I tried to help she became upset with me.  I had to wait until she was more cooperative, but even that didn't make it easier.  It ended up being a very late night (now I know I said I like late nights, but not to this extent), I had to clean up after I made sure she was finally in bed...about 2 Friday morning!  Which means it ended up being close to 3 a.m. for me.  A couple of days later it was the same thing, sitting on the edge of the bed and not wanting to move, being stubborn and refusing my help. The only problem is this time it lasted much longer, and I had to be more assertive to make things happen.  Summer had just started and I was already drained- emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I just didn't get it, why would God not even give me a day of peace after school got out?!  I had been working so hard trying to take care of mom, the house, Bella, and trying to handle all the things at school.  I sought and asked for His help and wisdom, maybe not as much as I should have or as much as He wanted, but I did seek Him, but didn't feel His hand of help.  So now when it's time to rest and relax, and take a break, things just got harder.  Then I would hear about this person going on vacation, and that person enjoying a nice break...and this person excited about some fun family time, and that person enjoying spending time with family or friends...or this person being blessed in one way, and that person being blessed in another.  People being blessed financially, or seeing physical changes and blessings, or being blessed spiritually, or being blessed in their families, seeing blessings to rest and relax and renew themselves, while I felt I was just trying to hold on to some sanity.  I kept hearing people say, "God is good."  I know they were right, because that's what we as Christians are all supposed to know and believe, but boy was I having trouble seeing that or believing it at the time.  I kept thinking of things that weren't so good that I was going through and dealing with.  Things were changing, getting worse, and I had no way of escaping it...not that I would ever want to escape from my mom.  I love her too much, I want to help take care of her.  But these changes came on so quickly, and I just didn't get how the Lord could be blessing others so much while my little world started to crumble a bit.  Mom was having a harder time getting around and required more of my help, she would get agitated with me easier and quicker and not always want my help, she was sleeping more, which is never a good sign for an aging parent.  On top of that the refrigerator broke down, thankfully we have another downstairs, but it was lots of up and down all day long between laundry for mom and getting things to and from the fridge.  I needed to get an oil change for my car so it wouldn't conk out on me.  It is plenty old, and I am just thankful it's still running.  There were lots of things that I needed to do or try to get done, and nothing seemed to quite be working out the right way.  It was frustrating!  One night after a rough bout with mom, I came downstairs and just cried out, telling the Lord, I didn't know what He was doing, or why, and I didn't like it.  I told Him I wasn't seeing Him or feeling Him.  I complained that things were too hard, but He didn't seem to care.  I told Him I was upset that He was blessing others and I couldn't see Him blessing me.  I just felt so beat up, so put down, so discouraged, so hurt, so sad.....so broken.  I told Him that I was broken, and I couldn't take anymore.  Soon after that, He throws in a phone call from my aunt who calls on Monday to tell me she is coming on Wednesday to visit with mom and she wants to stay with us.  Now on top of other issues I have to do an overhaul in the guest room, which had become my catchall room as things got busier in the school year.  I managed to somehow do it, enough so she could stay.  
She came and got settled in, saw mom walking with the walker, but thought she seemed uncomfortable so had her walking with her cane again.  She saw that mom was less talkative, that she was more tired.  She commented that it was such a drastic change from when she was here in February.  She saw mom sleeping through breakfast and that's when she strongly suggested I call the ambulance, which resulted in the first hospital stay, which I wasn't thrilled with, because they found nothing.  She just gets overly tired, I already knew that and tried to tell her, but she wanted to be sure.  After that hospital visit, mom seemed weaker, but we had more help coming in now.  But even that got a little crazy.  One day, the refrigerator repairman got their and started working on it, not long after that the doorbell rings again and it's the VNA coming to check on mom who was sitting half asleep in the living room.  Not long after that, the doorbell rings again, and it's the Home Health Aide coming for the first time to bathe mom.  She can't do it right then because the refrigerator guy is still there.  He finally finishes and they get her to the bathroom and help her get a bath.  Once the Aide is done, and leaves I am finally able to get to the fridge and clean it out and wipe everything down.  But when I get to the bottom shelf and bring it over to the sink and start to wash it, the whole thing shatters all over the kitchen!  Thankfully neither mom, nor Bella tried to come in then, but now I had a much bigger mess to clean up.  As I was, the doorbell rings again and it's my uncle coming to check on mom.  I finally get all I can see up and into the garbage, with no cuts and without any trouble for mom or Bella.  A friend comes over to watch mom, while I went out to a much needed dinner with a friend...but again I was exhausted.  I was still struggling with the Lord and was still letting Him know.  (Told you this was going to be ugly!)  But hold on.....

One day I got a card in the mail from one of the dear ladies at church, and she was such a blessing!  She wrote the sweetest things to me, and really encouraged me.  She put her phone number so I could call her if I needed anything or needed to talk, and she even put money in the card to help with mom's medications!  That was huge for me!  Mom was still getting weaker and after the second hospital visit was pretty much only in bed.  Another day, I saw a package sticking out under the mailbox with my name on it.  When I opened it, a wonderful friend from a neighboring state, had sent a devotional book for me...one that helped her when she struggled with some things in her life.  I read the devotion for that day, and it was exactly to a tee, just what I needed!!  What??  Really??  Is this devotion really talking about times we don't feel God and get discouraged?!?  Crazy!  Then....my girls came up.  They were only going to be here for a few days, but as long as I got to see them, that was all that mattered.  I got to see them and talk for a little it on Saturday before running back home to mom.  I was refreshed just giving them hugs and talking to them!  Then Sunday morning, I wasn't going to be able to make it to Sunday School, but was trying to make it to church, when they called and needed a ride.  Yay!!  I get to spend a little more time with them!  I brought them to church, and they asked me to sit with them, which I was thrilled to do to have more time with them.  It was a sad day because it was our pastor's last Sunday, and last day, he was leaving in the morning for the Air Force.  He preached an awesome, emotional sermon, and did his last couple of baptisms.  They were having a potluck after the morning service, but I knew I couldn't stay because of mom, so I was going to have to say my goodbyes right after.  I was pretty emotional, but those who know me know that's nothing new.  I said goodbye to Megan as well.  Then I made sure to get hugs and kisses from my boys and little Lyla!  I ended up finding the sweet lady who gave me the card and money to thank her, we talked for a while and she again encouraged my heart, telling me I was loved and people wanted to help.  I talked to another friend who also encouraged me to ask for help because people love me and want to help.  Then the sweetest girl gave me a gorgeous zebra print ring!!  She was so cute about it and brought a huge smile to my face.  I was feeling pretty special!  I got home and read the sweet card from the other dear lady at church and she put a beautiful poem inside about growing in the valleys!  Again, just what I needed!  After having lunch with mom, one of the ladies from her church called.  She had been hesitant to do so, since I didn't know her well, but she said the Lord laid us on her heart.  She asked how mom was, then did something that meant so much to me.  She paused and said..."And how are YOU doing?"  She let me talk and tell her some things I had been dealing with and struggling with, then she prayed with me.  Even though it was such a sad day, I was feeling so blessed.  The Lord was showing me that He hadn't forgotten about me, that He did care, that He put me on people's minds, and used them to be a blessing to me.  It was pretty overwhelming!  I was still downstairs about 11:30 or so Sunday night, when I got a phone call from my friend. She and her husband had a gift they wanted to give me, but wanted to do it face to face and the only time would have been then!  Hmm...well, OK, what a strange request.  I got mom situated and at least on the bed, and left to go to the friends' house.  The whole time I'm driving I'm trying to figure out what in the world it could be.  I got there and we talked for a few minutes and she asked her husband if he was going to get the gift and he said yes, but was still finishing up some paperwork or something.  After a few more minutes he goes over to a kitchen cabinet and takes out....some money!!  He walks toward me and I, of course, break down.  He said they wanted to give it to me to help with getting an oil change for my car.  I didn't see how much they gave me, but it definitely felt like too much for an oil change, but they somehow knew I needed one.  I was again amazed at God's goodness to me!  After all of the complaining I did, all of the ugliness...He still showed His hand taking care of me.  I didn't deserve it!  Then we got to talking about my car, and that yes, it did badly need an oil change.  I told them I am so thankful for that car, but it's definitely got it's issues.  I talked for a little bit, and she got up and walked between us as we were talking about my car.  I thought that might have been my hint that she was tired and was ready to head to bed, it was probably about 12:30 or after, and they had to get up early.  So, I was going to get myself out of their way and let them get some sleep, when I hear her say, "Babe, you're taking way too long."  I was surprised to hear her say that, and chuckled a little as she started to walk toward me.  As I look at her she is grinning a big Chesire cat kind of grin, then I look at him and he's doing the same thing!  What in the world is going on?  I look at her holding something out to me.  It takes a few seconds for me to register what it is, as it registers, I drop my purse on the floor, get the Oprah ugly cry, and throw my hands in front of my face, with my mouth and eyes probably as wide as can be.  She was holding out a...............................(sorry, I love suspense!!!).................a........key!!!!!!!  I could not believe it!!  What were they doing?   I think I might have asked that, not sure.  They told me the Lord laid me on their hearts months ago and they wanted to give me their car!!!  I was beyond shocked, and I think I asked why and they said it was because they loved me and wanted me to have a good ride back and forth, and for my mom!  I knew I was loved.....but....really??  I told them I definitely didn't deserve it because I was jut getting upset and complaining to the Lord just a couple of days before this.  But they encouraged me that people go through those times, that they had recently.  The thing that really caught my attention was they said the Lord laid it on their hearts months ago!  All those weeks and moments of me not feeling Him, the whole time He was saying, "Just you wait!  I got you!  I care, I love you, and if you'll just wait a bit, I'll show you.  I know it's been a struggle, but just rest a minute and let me show you something beautiful!"  And that's just what He did!  I asked my friend why in the world he let me go on about my car that way, and all he said was that he loved every minute of it!  Then he told me that the money was obviously not for an oil change for my car, but for license plates and registration for my new one.  Oh, so sneaky!!!  They said it was like watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition in person!  That they would never forget my face!  All I could do was thank them and tell them how wonderful they are, and how blessed I am to know them!!  They told me to leave my car parked there, because they wanted to watch me drive away in my new car!!  Oh the tears that came!  I prayed that I would make it home without getting in an accident.  Then I wanted to call someone so badly, but being after 1 in the morning, I thought better of it.  What a selfless act of love and giving, showing that it is better to give than to receive.  So, I don't know what in the world is going on, but I know someone out of this world loves me, cares for me, and blesses me, even when my trust seems to fail.

Here's my new ride- a 2005 Honda Accord!

Lord, thank you for loving me, and taking care of me, even when my heart failed to trust you.  The struggles blocking out any possible beauty.  Thank you, that even though the struggles broke me down, You still had beautiful things to show me and teach me.  Thank you for using my wonderful friends to be such a blessing in my life.  Time after time showing your goodness.  Please bless them in some extra special ways for their sacrifices of love that they showed to me!  Thank you for reminding me that you do take care of your own, loving us, and desiring to bless us beyond what we can even ask or think.  Thanks for allowing me an amazing testimony of how you can make things beautiful in our lives, if we just hold on, and don't give up!  Thanks for being my loving Lord!

Yet Another Sad Tragedy!

As I sit here writing this, I'm hearing the sad accounts from Aurora, Colorado, where a terrible shooting took place at a movie theater.  A midnight showing of the latest Batman movie brought many out to catch an early viewing of this much anticipated movie.  It just so happened that one of those many was a 24 year old man who orchestrated a plan to be in the theater, leave through the emergency exit and come back in with some type of gas canister that was thrown into the crowd and then guns to shoot people.  Accounts said he didn't say anything, just kept shooting, especially those who were trying to get away.  In the end 71 people were shot and 12 of those people were killed by this gunman.  He gave himself over to police without a struggle, but is not giving any information as to why he committed this awful crime.  Witnesses in the theater said he was just shooting sporadically, not caring who he hit...men, women, children, and even babies were hit by his bullets. (Children...babies at a midnight showing??  I don't get it!)  Though he was sporadic with his shots, he had this very well planned out.  He had a few weapons and plenty of ammunition.  He even had his apartment booby trapped so when the police went there they would be hurt, possibly killed.  Thankfully the teams that went to his apartment were very smart and careful not to just break into the apartment.  They carefully put a camera to the window and saw the trip wires, etc.  Then they carefully broke windows to see the best way to get into the apartment safely.  As far as I know right now they still haven't gotten into the apartment, there is still a large fire bomb in there that they are not sure how to get rid of.  Now they are talking about violence in movies and video games and on TV, and wondering if there will be any changes made to stop some of the violence that is seen.  I'm sorry but this always kills me.  So many times when tragedies happen, they look at some things that may have contributed to it and try to fix those things.  It seems that obviously it's a little too late now.  Violence has become much more accepted in today's society, it's accepted in movies, it's accepted on TV, and it's definitely accepted in video games.  Which means it is accepted by kids that are younger and younger.  These images and thoughts and sights are already in their minds, deadening the seriousness of violence.  And then we're surprised by things like this.  It's just such a sad situation.  It was even thought that the gas canisters were part of some realistic special effects of the movie, so many people didn't move right away.
What could cause someone to do something so cruel? What makes a person think or believe that it's OK?  These questions we may never understand fully here.  My heart goes out to the families affected by this tragedy.  I can't begin to imagine how difficult a time this will be for them.  This is why I don't want to take time with family and friends for granted.  Right now it's the Monroe-Revels Family Reunion, sadly because of mom's health I am unable to be there.  It's killing me, I want to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins...spending time eating lots of great food, laughing and reminiscing with family, taking lots of pictures to treasure the moments.  We were able to do that just two years ago in Georgia, it's sad that now that it's here we can't be there.  But I need to be here to take care of mom, that is what I need and desire to do right now.  I love family!  I give hugs and kisses, I say "I love you" often.  Life is too short and you never know when you'll have that chance again.  I hope we all will hold our loved ones a bit closer, share time and love with them, and share those precious words with them..."I love you!"
Lord, please be with the victims that have been shot, some in critical condition, please be with the families of all the shooting victims, especially those who lost loved ones.  May this wake many of us up and make us more aware of what things we let in our minds and allow ourselves to accept.  May this bring about changes in many of us, and may people come to know you through this. Only you could bring blessing from such a tragic situation, and I trust that you will.

Busy, Busy, BUSY!!

I have an important post that I have wanted to post, but haven't had the chance yet, because so much has been going on here.  Last week mom was in the hospital...again!  We were just there a couple of weeks before that!  But, I was concerned about how she was holding her right hand (folded in on itself), and she seemed to struggle with moving her right leg when she was walking.  The doctors said they did not believe it was a stroke.  They said she had a trace UTI, and was dehydrated.  But they couldn't figure out the hand and wrist, a neurologist came by and said he thought it was something called wrist drop.  He said with a splint and maybe some exercise and therapy it could get better.  But there was really no plan in place to specifically work with her with that hand.  Since she's been home she has been in bed the whole time.  I think she got used to just sitting in the bed at the hospital watching TV, and being fed.  So, when she got home, she wasn't really up to moving much.  She hasn't really been moving much.  It's hard to see that, because she is too young to just be laying in bed.  I have to roll her to change her, she can't even get up to get on her bedside commode.  That Saturday, the day after she came home she started hitting at me and got very upset with me as I tried to roll her to change her.  She told me she didn't know what had happened to me.  She said she would never do that (move someone) if they were in that much pain.  I was in nurse mode at the time, so I didn't let it get to me.  That was very difficult.
But the nurse said they wouldn't be sending physical therapy in because she can't remember what she is told so there was no reason.  That was hard for me to accept, but I had no choice.  I felt pretty defeated, we were not going to get physical or occupational therapy, and they were decreasing her Alzheimer's meds down to 5mg.  It just seemed the plans that were being put in place were just to keep her in bed without much hope or help for me to get her moving again.  The one thing is that the nurse understood my desire to keep her home with me and was helping with that.  But don't they know that keeping her home would be much easier if she could get around like before?  How is having her just lying there with a hand that won't work helping me?  The next day she said a Palliative Care nurse would come out.  I had asked her what that was and she said a form of hospice.  Hospice????  That word sounds like death to me!  I don't like it at all.  But she explained that Palliative is not quite the same, so that made me feel better.  The next day rolls around and a nice nurse came over to talk to us (I say us because mom's sister and brother-in-law are here from VA).  Only my aunt is staying here, my uncle was staying with my mom's brother.  He helped to fix the back steps which were coming loose.  He also fixed the leak in the bathroom sink, and helped fix a couple of chairs with Liquid Nail glue.  So, not only do I have to get used to all of the new developments with mom and her help, now I have to hostess family.  It's been a bit stressful.  So, anyway, the nurse talked to us and said she was from Hospice.....what????  I thought it was going to be Palliative!  No, she said the doctor gave the OK for Hospice to come out.  I really wasn't sure about that.  As she spoke I heard some key things, first we needed to get a hospital bed in here to help keep her safe and keep her more comfortable.  That couldn't happen unless we had Hospice.  Then, the nurse said that it could be revoked if the caregivers felt it was no longer needed, people had done that before, she also said she has seen people get better because of Hospice and they end up discharging them from it.  The next thing she said that got my attention was that with Hospice, mom could get Massage Therapy and Music Therapy...DING!!  That did it! Massage...I'm all about the massage, and I know how important and wonderful and beneficial that can be.  Music...ummmm...I'm a music nerd, I love music!  Mom loves music!  How could I not want those things?!  Now I was more convinced than ever that this was the right thing to do.  I had to make that decision, and I told her, I wanted to get Hospice set up.  She got everything started, went in and met mom, took her vitals, and before she left gave me a hug!
That was the beginning of being introduced to my team of helpers.  A little after the Hospice nurse left the Home Health Aide came to bathe mom.  She actually got her to sit on the edge of the bed!!  That was the first time since the hospital that she had!!!  I was thrilled to see that.  We even got her into a wheelchair that was lovingly donated to us.  She sat in there for a while.  I was hoping to keep her in the chair, since the new bed would be coming, but as she started to nod, she started leaning forward in the chair and her sister got nervous and wanted to put her back in bed.  She didn't think the bed would still be coming after 5 in the evening.  So mom's brother and I got her back to bed.  After a bit I went downstairs to get a bit of a breather and no sooner had I done that my aunt called down to me to tell me the bed was here!  Wow!  If we had only kept her in the chair, oh well.  Now my uncle and I had to get her back up and out.  This is pretty painful for her.  We were told by the aide that the guys could help take down and move the old bed, but they said they weren't allowed to do that.  So, both of my uncles set to work to do that.  They got it down and moved into the living room.  They asked what I wanted to do with it, and I said just put it on the curb to see who might pick it up.  They refused to do that because they said it was too good to do that.  They wanted to put it in the guest room.  The guest room is so much smaller than mom and dad's room, and I just felt this huge queen size bed would over power the room.  But they still had those plans.  That room still had a bunch of stuff in there that I needed to go through.  My uncle mentioned that, but I said, I wasn't ready to even think of tackling that yet.  The next morning our new Care Manager came out to meet us.  She was a nice young lady!  As we were talking I found out she went to my school a few years back and she goes to church where some of our kids at school go to church, such a small world.  It was nice to be able to share blessings and talk about the Lord with her.  Later that day the aide came out again to wash mom.  I got a phone call from one of my former kids whose mom was in the area and wanted to stop by and help out.  She and her son stopped by and my aunt and uncle left to go to her brother's house.  So we were able to get to all the stuff in that guest room that I needed to go through.  It was so easy with her help, she wasn't pushy, but was so helpful, which is just what I needed!  We got it done quicker than I ever thought possible!  Then a home security company stopped by to talk about their company and what they could do to make things better here.  They convinced me it was time to change our old security system over.  While they were talking to me, my friend lovingly got the rest of the room finished up for me, and my aunt had returned, but kept calling me to help her with things for mom.  So I was running back and forth.  After these guys were done, they had the installation guy come over and he installed everything.  So that was another busy day.  The next day the Hospice social worker came over and she was super helpful, listened to what I needed to tell her, and to how I felt, offered suggestions and advice to help me.  She was wonderful, as we were talking the aide came to bathe mom.  Not too long after that the Massage Therapist came for mom's session.  It worked well because the aide had just finished mom's bath.  So then mom was clean and dressed for her massage.  She liked it! When the Social Worker and Massage Therapist left they also gave me hugs, which were greatly appreciated.
I had cancelled the homemaker/companion coming over for the first time because my uncle had planned a meeting with his attorney to get things squared away for mom and I.  So, I didn't want her to come without me being there to meet her and she if she was a good match, and to try to help Bella ease into meeting her.  So although I was exhausted I reluctantly went with my aunt and uncle to this appointment.  The attorney and another lady from his office were very helpful, and we now have things in place to help me and mom.  When we got back home the homemaker/companion ended up coming anyway, she never got the message until she was already here. Yet another busy day!  The next day the Hospice nurse came out, and checked on things, then the aide came, but before she did, I went out to the school to try to help out, but no one was there.  I went to the church to do a couple of things and got those done and talked to a few people.  When I got back home my uncle came over (my other uncle, my aunt's husband left that morning heading back home, but my aunt decided to stay), and my aunt wanted to have a meeting with me and my uncle about what the next steps are and what she gathered from meeting with the attorney the day before.  She talked about all the things I needed to do and try to get done while she was here, never saying when she was leaving.  But I finally found my voice and explained how this was a stressful busy week and with people here all the time I feel as if I have to entertain and don't get much me time.  I told her that there were some friends that wanted to do things with me at the beginning of next week and I planned to go.  So some of these things might be put on hold for a couple of days.  I said a few other things that needed to be said as well.  And I was glad, though I did feel guilty after, but the Lord knows I did it with love and in the right way.  So...yes, it's been quite busy.  Not quite how I expected my summer to go...not quite how I expected my life to be at this point, but I'm going to keep trusting the Lord through it and wait for Him to show me the outcome.  He's already showed me many blessings which I will share very soon!
Lord, thank you for being with me through all of this.  I feel overwhelmed and not good enough.  But you are steadily showing me how strong you are making me.  You are allowing me to see that what I am doing for mom is love in action, strength from You, and a testimony to others.  I am nothing and I do most things wrong, but thanks for helping things to be right.  Thanks for showing yourself in many different ways lately!  I love you, Lord!