Five Years

Five years seems long and yet so short at the same time.  I know I write about this almost every year, and it may be getting old for some, but it is helpful and healing to me.  Five years ago today, I was in the hospital with my dad.  It's hard to believe it's been five years.  This year of course it's a different experience as I am remembering him and missing mom at the same time.  Yes, of course I am so thankful that he and mom are home together enjoying the joys of heaven.  But...I really miss them.  I know I'm not supposed to want them back, but some days, I sort of have a wish that for just a little bit I could have them with me.  This week especially has been a bit difficult.  I have really been feeling a bit of the loneliness.  I think some of it comes from seeing so many families growing through pregnancies, births, engagements, or marriages.  It's just difficult sometimes to have such a quiet house to come home to and I'm missing having mom or dad to share things with, or just to talk to about things.  Even though I hadn't really been able to talk with mom a whole lot, she was still another spirit/soul in the house, and I could still communicate with her.  Yes, I'm blessed with my sweet pup, and she makes me laugh, but it's not the same as sharing the laughs or stresses of each day.  So, I am really missing them this week, and have definitely wept more than normal.
It was such a difficult thing five years ago to see my sweet, strong pappy in pain and struggling.  He still made a point to joke around and try to laugh with Cousin Pam, my friend Chinita's mom.  He also made a point to share his love with us as he went around the room telling each of us that he loved us.  What an amazing man he was all the way to the end.  Even his desire to keep mom from seeing his decline and his hanging on until we were no longer there to see him take his last breath.  I will never forget how full his room became as friends and family found he had passed and came to be with mom and I.  I received so many texts and phone calls and voice mails that night.  It was difficult for mom and I to be home without the thought of him ever being back here with us.  I know it was very hard for her.  She lost part of herself that day...I did too, but mom much more so, and in a much different way.  She had lost her best friend, the one she cared for and took amazing care of.  It's hard to be here five years later with neither of them here with me.  I have wonderful friends and family who constantly check on me and try to keep me going.  I am so thankful for them, but there are still times of loneliness and sadness and truly missing the two people who I have the most memories with, who know so much about me, who would be the only ones to know some things and would be the only ones I could go to for certain things.  I am truly thankful for the time I did have with them and I can't wait to see them again!
Thank you, Lord for my sweet parents, I miss them so much!  I don't always understand your plan, but I am holding on to the knowledge that You only do what is best.  I thank You that they are no longer in pain and have peace with You.  Please help me to have that same peace...and hope.  Hope that You have more of a future for me.  Help me to trust You and always to follow you!