Thursday, May 26, 2011


I've never been big on changes. I've lived in this cute, little house with the big backyard all my life. The biggest change that I first really struggled with, you would think would be college, it was a big change, but I really enjoyed it. No, the biggest change that was hard for me was coming home after graduating from college and finding out that my mom was going to retire from doing daycare! What??!!? Then what am I supposed to do? All my life I have had kids around and loved it! What will I do without them being there? The next time I struggled with change, it was when my dad got sick for the first time. My aunt(mom's sister) had been sick for a week, we found out later that her body had been racked with cancer, at the end of that week she died. My aunt died in the early evening, about 2 that morning my mom was rushing my dad to the hospital because he wasn't able to walk. Of course, he just said mom was overreacting and he was fine. Come to find out later, his leukemia that had never been a problem for him, had now started becoming a problem. He only had 18% of the blood in his body that he should have had, which was why he was so weak he couldn't walk. That change really affected me, I ended up with anxiety. This was the man who hadn't missed a day of work in 30 years, the worst thing he would get would be colds. He was strong and healthy, so to see this change was quite difficult. Then came the change of mom's health. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and dad would go do their chemo treatments together. I started to really hate this change of seeing my parents age and struggle with sickness. Seeing my dad so weak from the leukemia and also from diabetes was one of the saddest changes. That strong, healthy man was being weakened so much by these awful, unforgiving diseases. The biggest truly heartbreaking change in my life came when the Lord saw fit to take my dad home to heaven. I am still struggling and trying to deal with that change. Of course, that change brought about another change that has been extremely difficult lately, the change of mom's health as we are dealing with Alzheimer's. She is surviving cancer, but now her mind is ravaged with this awful disease. With this disease different changes and challenges come every day. There are changes in other areas of my life, some possible different changes for next year. I still struggle with changes and I'm not sure what these changes will bring about. I have seen some positive things with change and some not so positive things, never know which it will be, but I have to trust that whatever these changes bring about will all work together for good because we love and trust Him.
Lord, ugh, I hate change! There has been so much of it in my life lately, I'm not sure if I can handle more. But I know with you I can handle anything that comes my way because You will lead me through it and show me Your perfect will. I am stubborn, so You are going to have to help me trust and deal with the changes You bring, knowing that this is part of Your plan for me! Help me trust the changes You bring me through, and thank you for being there with me!

Monday, May 23, 2011


It has been a while since I have blogged. Partly because I have been busy, haven't really known what to write, have been doing other things, have written some things but didn't feel right about posting them, haven't felt as if I could be encouraging because I have been a little down, and didn't want my posts to sound discouraging. There have been some good days, and sadly there have been some pretty rough days. Lately Satan has really been working on my tired, stressed mind to try to break me down. I feel sometimes that he is holding me underwater and I'm struggling to find help to get my head above water. There have been days where I struggled to see the Lord at work, helping me through this. Though there have been some moments where I have been encouraged, it feels lately that there have been more where I have been a little discouraged. There have been different things that have been working on my mind. I struggle with who to share it with or how much to share, I know people are busy and I know I can talk ALOT! The thing is, is I don't have anyone to share things with when I get home. That has truly become a struggle lately, I don't want to bother people. Thankfully the Lord has blessed me with a friend who will message me on Facebook and just let me share my heart completely with her, and she is such a blessing to me. Also, interestingly enough, we had the Seminary graduation at church yesterday. My pastor's father-in-law gave the graduation message. His message to the graduates was "Encourage yourself in the Lord". Could there have been a better message for me? It was so needed to hear these things, even though they were meant for these seminarians and their ministries where they serve and will serve in the future. He gave one example of being a pilot instructor in the service. He shared that many young pilots get nervous about their first time flying through storms. He said that his advice to them is to keep focused on the end goal. Look straight ahead, see the goal and don't turn aside to look at the storms, just keep focused to that end. What a perfect illustration for me to think about...these things that I'm struggling seem like pretty strong storms, but what a great reminder to look straight ahead and not focus on the storms, but on the other side of the storm where the Lord will bring me. Even going back to the analogy of Satan holding me underwater, instead of looking around me to see who will be there and be able to help me get above water, I just need to look up through the splashing and waves and craziness all around me, and look for my Savior who will lift me up and bring me through the craziness.
Lord, help me through these storms, you know how I am about real ones...I hate them. They scare me, I can't wait until they are over. That's pretty much the way I feel about the storms in my life, too. So help me to remember to keep my focus on you through this season of storms. They have been pretty strong, and I'm ready for them to be over, but help me to encourage myself in you. And thank you for the encouragement I have gotten lately from friends, and from messages I have heard. Thank you for that.