I have already mentioned this a little in another post, but just have different thoughts to add.
A couple of times when I shared my recent struggles with my mom people would kind of grin/smile and say to me, "Oh, sounds like having kids", or " Oh, now you know what those of us who have kids feel like", or " Now you know what it's like to have kids". This hurt me each time I heard it, because no, I sadly don't have a clue what it's like to have children, but I just don't feel it's at all the same. I would try to explain to them that I don't feel it is the same because for one thing I can't discipline my mom. I feel bad that I have let it bother me so much, but it just hurts because it almost feels as though they are trying to diminish what I am feeling and going through by making it seem that they sort of understand. I know they don't by any means mean to sound like that. But this is something that unless you are right in it, it will be hard to understand. One of the most difficult things for a child is to see your parents age and then to try to take over that place. I'm not supposed to tell my mom what to do, she's my mom, not my child. I don't think people understand how hard that can be. Each morning I get up and take Bella out and I have to try to remember each time to tell mom to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Sometimes she says ok and does, other times she says, "Yes, mother". Then once in a while she will say she doesn't need to get up now, she doesn't need to go or she already got up and went. If this was a child you would discipline them for the times that they did not obey right away, especially if the bed ended up being wet. I can't do that with my mom. Then there are times when the bed is wet, sometimes on those days, mom will just say that it's time for her to go to a nursing home. This is hard to hear, and kids aren't going to talk like that. Yes, I do get the fact that kids do wet the bed and the thought that what I am going through is like having kids seems like it would fit here, but for a child you know they will eventually get it down and get better. That won't happen in my mom's case. It's also been frustrating because mom loves to feed Bella, not dog food, but whatever mom is eating. She will give her 5 or more french fries, or let her lick her plate, or put some of her food in Bella's bowl. I worry that she won't be careful about what she gives and will end up giving Bella something that could make her really sick or kill her. Bella is also gaining too much weight and I'm afraid that is going to kill her too. I try to tell my mom this, but she just ignores me. She's not a child so what do I do? Plus she is at home with her all day by herself, how can I keep her from doing that? A parent even though they often feel stuck can get away for a night and have someone babysit. I can go out, and I don't have to or don't even have someone to sit for her. So when I'm out I feel guilty for leaving her at home by herself for so long. Then I also worry about whether or not she is ok. I try to get home to make sure she is ok, Bella is ok, and before she has to take Bella out at night. I don't like her being outside by herself. When I ask her not to go downstairs or not to take a shower when I'm not here, she doesn't understand why she can't do the things she has always done. These are just some of the many things I have been thinking about wanting to vent to show that no indeed, taking care of an ailing, mentally struggling parent, is not quite the same as having kids. There are many similarities, but also many difficult differences. I guess I would just like someone to understand that.
Lord, forgive me for having a wrong spirit when people may not understand or know the right things to say. Keep me humble and kind. Help me not to allow something that someone said maybe without thinking about it fully to bother me so much. Let me bring it to you and leave it there. Thank you for understanding and always being there for me when I need you. Thank you for caring and taking care of me through these struggles! Please help me to keep looking up!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
This week is Spirit Week! I always enjoy this week, and this year I was so excited because we were doing an 80's day!!!! I love the 80's!! So with that to look forward to, I was excited about this week. It had to be better than last week...at least I hoped so. The first day was duct tape day, since I had no duct tape and had no clue what to do, I just waited because my flute student Elisabeth said she would make a bracelet for me with her zebra print duct tape. That morning her mother Amy came to the door of my classroom. She pinned a beautiful zebra print rose on me. That was just that start of my duct tape day. Later I looked for a highschool boy Jonny because his mom told me that he had something special that he made for me. When I found him with a duct tape vest and belt and bracelet that he made himself, he looked awesome!! He brings me a huge duct tape flower ring! Loved it!! Then Elisabeth made me an adorable bracelet and ring! They spoil me so much! It's fun to be spoiled!
Wednesday was the day...my day...80's day!! My alarm went off and I could not get back to sleep because of thinking of all the fun things I was going to do! Oh how fun to put on my makeup and put blue eyeliner, blue mascara and blue eyeshadow on. As I was getting ready, it felt just like getting ready for highschool!! What fun! I had a scrunchy, put a nice big pony tail on top of my head. I broke out my hot pink shirt with a bright blue tank top, my jean skirt, leggings, and of course, best part...leg warmers!! I topped it off with my pink converse. I had jelly bracelets and a ring pop and some mentos and mirrored sunglasses with pink on the sides. There were some GREAT outfits that day!! I walked down the hallway feeling like I was back in school! How fun! Side note: blue makeup can be really hard to take off. :)
Thursday was space/future day. That was another fun one to see kids dressed up as aliens, space officers, people in the future, Star Wars characters. It was definitely tons of fun! Then Friday was funny sock/school color day. That was also fun to see...and I'm sure some of us were fun to see as first through third grade had a field trip to The Claypen on Farmington Ave. in West Hartford. We had to walk down the street with our crazy looks to get to the place. It is a great place and I'm so glad we went, looking forward to going again sometime soon! We each got plates to paint however we wanted. It was fun and the kids did well, even though it's tough to get some of them to take their time and be neat. I am so looking forward to seeing how they come out after they have been glazed and placed in the kiln. We shall see next Friday! It is so much fun to have weeks like these for something a little different, but it is also a bit exhausting...of course it didn't help that I was feeling a bit sick this week. But on to next week, which for third grade will be another good one. Monday is 9 day!! I have placed 9's all over the school for the kids to see and wonder about, then for math class I teach them the 9 multiplication table and all the cool things you can do with it! Then Tuesday starts March Madness!! The classroom is already decorated for that, too. Should prove to be a good time! I know I'm excited!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
- Me, talking about Valentine's Day?? Ha! This is usually I day where I wear a teeny bit of red, but plenty of black. I mean what single person is really thrilled with this day? Well, maybe others have a better attitude than I do, but I'm sure there are one or two others out there who feel as I do! The day came so quickly this year...actually I have felt a little off many times this year. But last week sometime I thought, it would be nice to just go ahead and buy myself some roses. Since no one else is going to buy me any, why not treat myself? Then I thought about what I would put on the card to myself. The Lord then put something else in my mind. Now the plan was still to buy myself flowers, but instead of buying just myself a dozen roses, I would share them. I talked to a couple of friends and they thought it would be a nice idea. Friday night I got up the courage to text my "mom", Kim Weber, to ask her if this would be doable. She said she thought it would. She called me on Saturday and we got it all settled. The Lord then gave me the words for the cards: I love you, I have always loved you! You are beautiful and you mean the world to me. On this day I want you to know how special you are to me! I hope these roses bring you as much joy as you bring me. Love, God. I still was a bit selfish, I got half a dozen roses for me. Then I had three roses for my friends Sam and Karen. It was the first time I actually looked forward to Valentine's Day! I knew friends would be getting a nice surprise and it made me excited. It took my mind off of the struggle I often feel being single and never really experiencing anything special on this day. That morning the flowers were delivered, I loved seeing mine and reading the message again. Then Sam came out and talked about how she got great flowers, when I pretended not to know what she was talking about she didn't believe me, and asked me if I got flowers from God because He loves me too. Then Karen asked me if I had gotten roses and she said how special that was for her. I tried not to tell her that I had given them to her. But I had to let her know because she was going to write a thank you note to someone else, so I didn't want her to get embarrassed by doing that. So, I finally did tell her. She was so surprised and said that made them even more special. She said she bawled in front of her class, but it was such a good lesson for her kids. They kept asking her who they were from-a boyfriend or her son. She was able to share with them that it was a reminder to her from God about how much He loves her. She said they were very quiet, and she could tell they were really getting it. At the end of the day we made sugar cube igloos. One of my parents got the stuff and showed how to make it. What a wonderfully fun way to end the day. I left school that afternoon with a huge smile on my face. I think I am going to incorporate this idea each year for Valentine's Day! I know I was blessed and it was great to know that I could bless someone else's day. Thank you, Lord, for not allowing me to dwell on myself and my sadness or discontent on a day like that. Thank you for the idea to be a blessing to someone else and thanks for reminding each of us that you love us and delight in us! Help me to always remember. It's wonderful to be loved!