Reflections

I am sitting here tonight reflecting-looking at old pictures and thinking of my pappy. It still does not seem possible to me that he is gone, let alone that it has been two years. I don't think my mom remembers that today was the day, so unfortunately I am unable to share memories and thoughts with her. I think I am afraid that it will make things worse with her if I bring it up, so I'll just reflect on here and in my own mind. Two years ago I woke up excited because my best friend Chinita and I were supposed to go to a UCONN girls game at the XL Center. I was so looking forward to it, I love UCONN games! The night before was a little hard for me. I went to the hospital because my mom's back was bothering her and she couldn't get to the hospital. Dad seemed a little weaker, but was doing ok. We got his dinner, which was I think fish and green beans, and I don't remember what else. He said that he didn't really want to put his teeth in his mouth. So, the poor guy was trying to gum his food. He was struggling a little bit, but he got some down. A little after he ended up throwing up what he had eaten. I felt so bad for him, called the nurse to come and help him. I helped clean him up a little until they got there. Who knew that I would have enough strength to do that, the Lord gave me so much strength through these tough moments with him. When the nurses got him cleaned up I sat with him for a while. He kept saying that he thought he would be going home the next day. I told him we would see what the doctors said. I would have loved for him to come home, but not if he wasn't going to be ok.
Back to that morning, mom went early to get to the hospital to see him, she had been getting there as early as she could to be with him and stayed as long as she could. I got up and was getting ready to go to the game. I was actually on my way to go pick Chinita up, then to go get the tickets, and then head to the game. On my way to pick her up I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my dad wasn't doing that great. I asked her what she meant and she just said he didn't look that good and didn't seem as if he was feeling that well. I asked her what she wanted me to do. She told me that I needed to do what I thought was right. I asked her if she thought I could go to the game and then come to the hospital later. Again she said that it was up to me, but that he didn't look good. So, I decided, sad to say, a little reluctantly, to call Chinita to tell her that we wouldn't be able to go to the game because my dad wasn't doing well and I was going to the hospital. Of course she understood. I drove to the hospital and saw my dad and he didn't seem as if was feeling that well. Mom and I just sat with him. The nurses kept coming in to check on him. Next thing I knew Chinita and her mom were there, coming in the door. It was truly a blessing to have them there, it really helped. Cousin Pam (Chinita's mom) would joke around with my dad and laugh with him. Even though I could tell he wasn't feeling well he still found a way to joke and laugh a little bit. That's what I wanted for him...to be able to keep a good sense of humor. The nurses said they needed to move him to another floor. They also wanted him to have a cat scan because they thought he was bleeding internally and they needed to see where. He wasn't able to get one right away because I guess there were lots of cat scans going that day. So, he just had to hang in there. We called Pastor Jason and told him not to worry about coming out, but he listens as well as a husband watching a really good football game. Pretty soon he showed up to be there with us. At one point my dad went around the room saying, "Sandy, I love you, Stacey, I love you, Browns, I love you guys, Pastor I love you. We all said we loved him back. He also would say, "Ok, I'll see you later, take care." We told him we weren't going anywhere. A bit later he did the same thing, "Sandy, I love you, Stacey, I love you, Browns, love you guys, love you, Pastor, you guys take it easy, I'll see you later." He seemed to be getting a little more uncomfortable at that point. The nurse asked him about his pain level and for him to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 and he said 10. That really bothered me and brought on some sadness and emotion, though I would not dare show it. But I knew he must have really been struggling because he never complained, he would always say he was doing fine. So to hear him say that made me realize something was not right. The nurse was trying to get blood from him, but she couldn't get any, it was too thick or congealing or something. At one point he told me, "Tell your mom to sit down, I don't want her looking at that thing." He was afraid that she was looking at the monitor. The numbers on the monitor were getting weaker I noticed, but my mom hadn't been looking at it so I told him she wasn't looking. A little later he coughed up a blood clot, it was kinda big. That was hard for me to see. He kept pulling the sheets up kinda over his head and then back down. He kept moving around and just didn't seem like he could be still. We just stayed with him so he would sense us and know the love that we were feeling for him at that point. In the later afternoon, I think around 4 p.m. or so he was finally going to be able to go down to get his cat scan. They got him prepped to go, and we decided since he was going to be out of the room that we would go get something to eat. I made sure to give him a kiss on the forehead, and told him I loved him so much. I told my mom, come over and give him a kiss before we go. So she came over and kissed him too and told him she loved him. We kissed him again and told him we loved him and would see him later when he came back from the cat scan. We went down to I think it's Cafe Au Lait, downstairs in the hospital. We got some sandwiches and stuff I think. After a while of fellowship and eating Chinita and I went to the bathroom, on the way back from the bathroom, there were a couple of doctors that asked to see us and asked where everyone else was. We went to go get them and brought them back to the doctors. They asked us to come with them. When we got on the floor they were headed to the waiting room, but saw there were people in there, so looked for another room. You would think that that may have given us some inkling that something might not have been good. I think we were just hoping to maybe have them tell us about the cat scan results. Why they would need to do that in a private room I don't know. You'll never understand why you would think like that unless you're in that situation. The doctors got chairs for us and made sure we were sitting and then shared that on the way back up to his room from the cat scan my dad passed. My mom and I just both broke down, my mom just moaned and sounded so broken. I just bawled...hard. It was so hard, but what a blessing that we weren't alone. Thankfully Pastor and the Browns were still there to comfort us. My mom asked if we could see him. They said they were getting him prepared and that they would soon. They brought my mom in a wheel chair and I was walking next to her. We went into the room and both sobbed so loud. I have never heard myself cry like that in front of anyone. I just went over and kissed him over and over. I thanked him for being so amazing, and for being such a wonderful dad. I told him that I missed him, but that I was so glad he was no longer in pain. At one point my mom had to sit down and breathe into a paper bag because she started hyperventilating. That scared me so much, I just thought Lord, please don't do this, I can't handle anything happening to her. She calmed down and was ok. We called family and friends and people started showing up to the room. My uncle Cephus and cousin Karen came. They both broke down and I had never seen them like that before. At that point after I said hi to them and hugged and cried on them I just went over to my dad's bedside and just held his hand. Those strong hands that took such good care of me as a little girl. Holding me, playing with me, helping me walk, helping me ride a bike, dancing with me, and praying with me. I just wanted to keep holding that strong hand that I loved so much. The Russel's came, Mrs. Moore came. I think a few other people from church came. Then my Uncle Henry and Uncle John came. It was sad to see my Uncle Henry cry over his brother. My Uncle John really broke down and had to leave the room, they put him in a wheelchair to recover for a bit. Then he came back in to see his brother. The room was packed and the people spilled out into the hall. It was a blessing to see how many people were there because they loved him and us. It was so hard to finally have to leave him, I just kept kissing him and telling him how amazing he is, thanking God for him. We finally left. What a night for mom and I. We just laid together in bed for a while and cried. Even though dad hadn't been at the house for about a week, boy did things seem so different, there was no man to be here for us anymore. Thinking back I remember those feelings so strongly. There are so many special memories and I'm so glad to have an avenue to write them down and share them whether anyone else reads them or not. I'm just glad to be able to share this, it helps so much.
Lord, thank you for the strength you give me every day. I never realized I was this strong, but you knew all along. Thank you for not letting me go this alone, and for being there for me any time I need you. Thanks for being my Father now that mine is home with you. Please give him my love and tell him I can't wait to see him. Thanks for giving him to me for the time that you did.