Faithfulness...

Thursday, April 21, Pastor Scott from Waterbury came to speak in Elementary chapel. His message was about faithfulness. He had a power point presentation that he used. He asked the kids if they would be faithful in the things that they do. He used some different examples, but he talked about Timothy and how his life was threatened in one place, but was asked to go back to that very place to preach about Christ. He was willing to go back. Pastor Scott used that to show how even in the face of such danger Timothy was faithful to the Lord. He also used a couple of personal examples. He mentioned a friend who was actually in his wedding. This man was married and had two kids, after a while this family wasn't in church as often. This man was a painter and built houses and was making a great living for himself. Some time later it was found out that the wife had multiple sclerosis, it ended up being very aggressive and quick working. At one point when it got bad enough, this man brought his wife to her parents house and took off his wedding ring and placed it on the table and left, leaving his two kids behind as well. The wife died at her parents, the kids were being raised by people in the community, and this man was living his own life. It ended up being that this man lost his money, and of course he had already lost his family. This was an example of a man who when things got tough, wasn't willing to be faithful. Then he shared the story of his Father-in-law. His wife also ended up getting multiple sclerosis. This man took care of his wife for 10 years without complaining. He kept her at home and took great care of her. When he was physically unable to carry her around and take care of her he put her in a convalescent home. Even then every day he would go in the morning to feed her, come back in the afternoon, and in the evening to feed and care for her. He was so faithful, if there was ever a day when he wasn't able to be there, the caretakers would wonder where he was. That story of his father-in-law brought tears to my eyes. What a blessing to hear of the faithfulness that he had taking care of his wife. I can only pray that I will be able to be that faithful in taking care of my mom. It was a longer chapel than we normally have, but was so good, and the kids sat nicely the whole time.
Lord, help me be faithful to you even in the hard times. It is not always an easy thing, but remind me of these lessons on faithfulness, so I will be faithful to you.

Just some things...

I have been wanting to share some of the interesting things I learned last week, but right now, I feel that I need to just share a little of what I have been dealing with the past week or so. As I wrote earlier, mom has been a little more off the past couple of weeks. She wakes up and asks several times what the day is and what she has to do that day. She asks me every day if I have school, she asks every day if she has to go to church. She gets up and gets her clothes on, many times the same clothes that she wore the day before, and maybe before that. I have so many things on my mind I can't keep track well(which makes me feel like a failure, and yes, I know that's Satan). She goes into the living room and sits on the couch with Bella, she will often tell Bella, that mommy(me) is going to leave us again. It's definitely hard to leave after hearing that, and the guilt I feel may seem silly, and cannot be understood by those who are not in this situation of having to care for your mom. And not even just caring for your mom, but caring for your mom who has alzheimers. This is the woman who I went to for strength and care, the woman I shared my problems with and sought her biblical advice. I don't have that anymore, and I really miss it. When I have a problem, I get home and have no one to share it with, that is very difficult for me. I'm not trying to sound like a whiner, but this is my reality right now. I don't have brothers or sisters, I know of friends who will share something they are struggling with, with a brother or sister. I don't have a husband or even a boyfriend to share things with, I know of some friends who will share something with a husband or boyfriend. I don't want to bother people so I hesitate calling people, because most people I know have families, and I am sure I will be interrupting time with their families, and I would feel horrible. Friday, since I was home with my mom, we went to get our nails done, she liked the color I picked for her. When she was drying her nails, she wasn't sure if it was ok, but when I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. When we got in the car to go home, she said she didn't like the color on her nails, it was too bright for her. When she got home, she looked at her nails and said how much she loved that color! I told her all day that we were going to a play that night. When we got home from getting our nails done, she said she was going to go get her pj's on. It was only about 5pm. I told her that she was supposed to come to the play with me. She said she didn't want to. I tried to convince her again, but she just complained of hurting too much to go. I got pretty upset because I try to get her out as much as I can to keep her mobile and active. I started complaining to her of all the things I try to do, and told her I have been hurting too in different ways. I had to take Bella for a walk because I was so upset. I went to the play by myself, enjoyed it(but that's another blog probably). When I got home I smelled something funny, it was nail polish. My mom took the nail polish that has been on her dresser for years and painted over her nails and they look awful. Obviously she again decided that she didn't like her nails. So that was a waste. She keeps filling Bella's bowl with more food than she is supposed to, but doesn't always make sure she has water. She puts the burner of the stove on high to make eggs. I only know that because once or twice before I left for school she was making eggs for her breakfast and had it on high. I have a sticky note reminding her to put the burner on only 3 or 4. Even then she still forgets. At least 4 times Saturday night she was going to call my neighbor to tell her that I would bring my mom to church on Sunday. I told her I couldn't do that because I had to be at my own church. Her church was having a sunrise service for Easter morning. When the neighbor called to say she was going to the sunrise service, she told my mom when she would pick her up. My mom somehow associated that with a wake or funeral. She didn't want to go to the "wake" or "funeral", so if I just brought her to church then the neighbor wouldn't have to worry about it. I didn't know what to do to help her go and understand that I wasn't going to take her. If I tell her, she is just going to forget and think the opposite. I finally stopped trying to make her understand and decided I would just get her up early. That's what I did, I woke her up early to get ready, and she did. Thankfully it all worked. She went off to church just fine and so did I. Later that afternoon we went to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner. It ended up being an ok day.
Lord, these days are tough for me. It's hard to deal with my mom like this. I miss her. I miss the one I used to know, the one I could talk to, share with, and the one who understood things easily. I miss the woman who wouldn't forget just a few minutes after I told her something. Thank you for helping me deal with her and her changes. Help me to handle it in the right way, sometimes it gets a little much for me, and I don't see a way out of the frustration. Help me to keep trusting you, and help me be able to share what I'm really feeling and really going through with someone or a couple of someones. That would be so helpful. Thank you that you are always there!! It would just also be helpful to have someone here as well. Help me to keep making it, I need you!

Perspective...

So, yes, I know, it has only been a couple of days since my last blog, but this has been so interesting, I needed to share. Thursday morning I got ready to leave for school, as I went into the living room where mom and Bella were sitting, Bella growled at me when I leaned over to kiss my mom goodbye. Well, I couldn't let that go, that's naughty! So, I......growled back at her...made sense to me. Mom didn't like that very much. She got upset with me for doing that in Bella's face...ugh! I got a little upset because, I told her Bella needs to learn that that is NOT ok to do. She told me that she doesn't know any better, she's just a little dog. Well, how else is she going to learn if we don't teach her. I head into the kitchen, Bella and mom follow, as I'm getting ready to go, I hear my mom do her famous mom, "Ah ah ah!" I realized she was doing that to Bella because she went to her dish to eat her food, but mom didn't want her to eat yet without having prayed first. I told her just to let Bella eat if she was hungry. She told me that Bella needed to learn not to eat before they prayed for the food. So now I'm bothered, it's ok for her to growl at me, but she has to learn to pray before she eats? Seriously??? I left the house feeling a little crazy, and ok, I was going to try to avoid admitting it, but may as well just say it, yes, a little annoyed. So, sad to say, that started my day a little off, I know pitiful that this is all that it takes. Well, it certainly didn't help that on the way to the highway someone cut right in front of me, and was going slower than I was, that didn't help my attitude of course. But it gets better, when I got on the highway, I was able to get over in the next lane to get from behind this car, but ohhhh, wouldn't you know...they managed to get over in front of me again!! Ugh...seriously??? I was just a bit beyond annoyed at this point. I was able to get over in the next lane, and thankfully they didn't! If they looked at me as I passed they would have seen my unhappy face. I was even talking to myself, saying I didn't need this stress today, why are you bothering me, this is ridiculous, you are just trying to annoy me, I hope no one gives me a hard time at school, because I may not be in a good mood. That morning during reading class with my kids we read a great story about a queen who wanted to find a lesson to help squelch the complaining between the lords and ladies in her kingdom. She had two pages go to all the gardens throughout her kingdom, one was to find flowers, the other was to find weeds. When the two pages having gone different ways, came back to the queen, they both had different stories to tell. The first one told how the kingdom was so full of all kinds of beautiful flowers, the second reported that there were only a bunch of weeds everywhere. When asked if he saw any weeds the first page said he didn't notice any, when asked if he saw any flowers, the second page said he didn't notice any. The queen was trying to teach the lords and ladies that it all depends on how we choose to look at things. It's all about the right "perspective". We talked about that for a little while after the story, I wanted to make sure the students really understood what "perspective" was. I had to use my morning exploits as a prime example. It felt like the Lord was poking me, telling me that it was a great day to check my "perspective", especially from that morning. By the time I started sharing with my students the craziness of my morning, their giggles and laughter about it all helped change my "perspective", and I had to laugh at myself too. Chapel that day was also a great blessing to me and taught me so much, but I might just use that for another blog really soon so I don't forget it.
Thank you, Lord, for stepping on my toes through my kids reading to remind me to have the right "perspective" about things. This is not always easy to do. So, I really need your help. I want to have the right "perspective", but many times I give in to the complaining spirit that wants to rear its ugly head. Help remind me that a right "perspective" can make all the difference.

Overwhelmed...

I have definitely been feeling overwhelmed lately! Overwhelmingly stressed... overwhelmingly sad... overwhelmingly discouraged... overwhelmingly lonely... overwhelmingly frustrated... overwhelmingly overwhelmed!! The lawn-it looks awful... weeds, crabgrass, barespots, and brown spots...ugh! Need to make a decision on how to handle that. ( I know it seems as if it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but pappy would never have let the lawn look like that. For us it was a good testimony for the neighborhood. So it really does bother me!) The driveway-has some long cracks, not sure if they are serious or not. Do I need to try to find a place to come redo it? The back door-it's been scraping. I just need to contact a friend to come check on it...sometime (that's my problem). The toilet handle-keeps falling off. Just need to check with uncle to have him come check on it, but being over 80, I hate to bother him! The sink in the bathroom-drips, so as I was reminded by a family member, I need to check on that as soon as possible...sometime. The dishes and silverware-not always clean because mom is not as careful about washing them as she used to be, but how do I tell her that? The bills-mine and mom's, have a hard enough time keeping up with mine, how do I take care of hers too? But I need to be better at that. My room-crazy, because I try to hold on to things so mom doesn't have to see them and keep worrying about them, but that's not good for me...or my room. Our dog, Bella-she is so overweight...I have tried to stop letting her lick my plate, but mom hasn't. She also puts some of her food in Bella's bowl. I try to tell her how unhealthy that is, but what else can I do. She also struggles with her back legs at times and worries me. Her vet does know, though. Mom-memory issues, arthritis, sciatic or some back and leg problems...need to set up appointments for eyes, mind, arthritis, back problem, heart...sometime. I'm also supposed to check on an adult day care, even though my mom has no desire to go...ever! I am also supposed to be looking into a walk-in bathtub because a family member thinks that is important to try to get to help with mom's arthritis. Maybe if we don't spend any money for the next 5 years we can think about getting one of these! These things along with other things have not mentioned (school things, friend's things, my own things, health things), it has been easy to get very overwhelmed. The thing is, it is a struggle right now to even know what to say because I am still struggling with all of this. Sometimes it's hard to be positive...
Lord, help me through this overwhelming time. My heart is overwhelmed, so please lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Thank you for always being there.

Here I sit...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok...Sorry about that, I just needed to let that out!! Just be glad that blogs don't come with sound! :) It's just been a little crazy! Today, mom just seemed a little more off than I'm used to. When I went into mom's room to get Bella to take her out, I said Good Morning to mom. She asked me what day it was, I told her Tuesday. She asked me what she had to do today, I told her nothing. She asked what I was doing today, I told her, going to school as usual. She asked me if she had church, I told her AGAIN, that it was Tuesday. She asked again, and when I asked her what day it was, she called off about 3 different days, none of which were right. I told her again it was Tuesday. When I was getting ready to leave for the day, she asked again, what day it was. I told her again, it is Tuesday. I'm pretty sure she asked again as I was getting stuff ready to go. That reminded me before I left to get the sticky notes out to write the day and date for her, then to put one on the fridge and one on her mirror so she can refer to those during the day. Then she says something about not having anywhere to go or anything to do. That frustrated me, but I tried to be calm as I reminded her she could if she wanted to. She asked how, I told her that the program we have her in would provide a place for her to go interact with other people. Every time a doctor or nurse mentions it, she tells them that she has her dog and that's all she needs. Then she tells me that she gets out and walks with Bella, which is something she is not supposed to do, since she is not getting around well. So, I tell her, as I have several times before, but she doesn't really want to hear it. I also am not sure if she really does or not because she doesn't think clearly, so she may be thinking of the times before when she did, who knows. I'm not here, so I have no idea. It's frustrating! So, I left for school a little frustrated. I know it's wrong, I don't have to let it get to me, but....it does. I wished it didn't, but it's hard. Other people seem to have such a better handle on it, of course their situation is not mine, their personality is not mine... School wasn't bad today, I got another beautiful ring from the Berard's. So sweet of them! This is the 5th ring I have gotten in the past two weeks, I love it! :) The kids had achievement tests today, which seemed to go ok. Then, I had such stress relief during Reading class. One of my boys was reading a part of a story about Appleseed Johnny, but he was not using the proper expression, and I am a nut about that. So I kept making him read it over, but it came out with different pitches and ways to say the name each time. And it was never the right way! I couldn't help but to crack up laughing! I laughed so hard I was crying, and my stomach was killing me. I kept trying to compose myself, but then would start cracking up again!! So not only did I get some stress relief, I also got some tummy exercise in! That's always good! Later that day someone said something just silly, I guess, about being single, about not wanting to look it if there was a significant other. I started to get a little bothered then, and had to turn away. Then the conversation changed, but with me still being SO single, it wasn't something I could join in on. That just always seems to get me. I tried and I think succeeded in just walking away from the conversation and just talked to the kids. The conversation was a little too difficult for me to contend with since I'm single and it hurts to be reminded of how much I am, and how most of the people I know aren't. Of course Satan used that to discourage me again... why do I have to feel on the outside sometimes?... Why do I struggle so much hearing people talk about significant others and families?... Why can't I experience this?... Why does it seem like it may never happen for me?... When I am struggling, as I have been lately, whether it's something that goes on at school, or at home or wherever, why don't I have someone to share it with?... Why can't I have someone in earthly form to share it with like other people do?... Why do I sometimes feel so alone?... I HATE these thoughts and feelings, and I hate that they take over my mind. I hate that I feel jealous about others, and can't just grow above that. Well, I am human, and obviously I am a sinner who needs God's help and grace. When I got home from school, I was bombarded by the same question(s) as this morning...what is today? I told her to look at the fridge. She still managed to ask again, and asked about church as well. When I walked into the house I had my umbrella, she told me she didn't know it was raining. I told her it was, it started on my way home. When I got home I took Bella out and came back in with my umbrella and she asked me if it was raining, I told her it was. A little later on when I had put the food in the oven, she went to go get her pj's on. As she walks by the living room window, she sounds shocked as she tells me that it looks like it's raining out. I told her that it was. Then tonight, I went to get my taxes done. I am getting a refund, and I am so thankful for that! That put a smile back on my face! Then I was going up to the front to pay, but the guy just escorted me to the door and said good night, so, I thought well maybe he somehow did an automatic payment without me knowing. As I'm on my way home, I get a call on my phone. I stopped off in a shopping center and listened to the voicemail. It was the guy calling me to apologize but telling me I needed to come back to pay...ugh!! So I drive all the way back to pay. Again, he apologized and said that he was enjoying talking to me about music so he forgot. Then I finally get back home to mom asking me again what the day is. I told her to look on the fridge where I had it written. Then she asked what tomorrow was, if it was a church night. I told her it was. She said she was going to get her clothes out for tomorrow night, and went to do that. Then she got on the bed to watch her show, Wheel of Fortune. As I am eating dinner she calls me into her room, she sounds a little nervous because she said something was knocking on her window above her head. I listened for a little bit and just uttered ...ummm....it's called rain. She laughed and said "Don't make fun of me, I didn't know it was raining out, it's not my fault, I didn't know that!" Then when I tell her that we have talked about it at least twice, she doesn't believe me, "No sir!" she says. OOhhh myyyyy!!! Well, I have been able to just joke with her and laugh it off. Hence the reason for this post. I just kinda need to get it off my mind, off my chest, and hopefully a little out of mind! Thank you, Lord, for this outlet to be able to share my thoughts and feelings. Even the ones I'm not so proud of. Thank you for caring about me and the things that bother me, even when sometimes I don't feel you. I know that you are always there. Thank you for being there, and please help me get through some of these AAAHHHH!!!! moments! So, here I sit...asking you to help me see that you are my God and you love and care for me! Thanks for that!!

Struggles of Spring-time

It's spring...that beautiful time of year that so many look forward to! They look forward to leaves budding, plants coming up, warmer days, and flowers blooming. Those who know me know that this is not my favorite season because I love the coziness of fall and winter nights, the colorful beauty of a cool, crisp fall day, the clean white snow on a cold winter day.... and I LOVE snow!! I know, I'm not normal, but that's me, never have been, never will... or should I say never want to be!! :) I have to admit, though, that I do love to plant flowers and see them come up and I do love to see the beautiful butterflies when they finally show themselves. But just a day or so ago as I thought about this beauty of trees, flowers, and butterflies, I couldn't help but think about the struggles that happen during spring time in order to see this beauty. This was a pretty wild, wonderful (for me) winter with FEET of snow. Many of those plants were under all those feet in total darkness with the weight of all that snow on them. Even when the snow finally melted all away they were still under the hard packed soil. Those plants and flowers have to struggle to push up through the hard ground, even the leaves struggle to push open on the trees. We all know and have heard and maybe have seen the struggle of the most beautiful insect-the butterfly. What a tough time it has breaking out of that chrysalis! And I'm sure we have heard the story of the man who felt so bad for the struggling butterfly that he tried to help it out of the chrysalis. This only ended up killing the butterfly, not because he was too harsh or anything, but because the only way the butterfly can be strong enough to survive is because of that struggle that it has to go through. Because it wasn't able to go through that struggle it wasn't strong enough to survive. What reward we see when those struggles are through...there is such beauty- TRUE BEAUTY! We couldn't see it or even imagine it during the tough, cold winter months, but that beauty was there just waiting to show itself in the spring! I keep thinking about this spring...so many people I know right now are going through struggles, frustrations, and strife. Physical/health needs, family stresses, deaths, financial struggles, stress of seeing family or friends struggling or hurting, work problems, so many things have reared up this spring. It's almost like those feet of snow that weighed so heavily on the earth... many things are weighing heavily on many hearts. Though it doesn't seem possible that there could be any good that could come from these struggles, frustrations, and strife, we need to push up through those things trying to hold us back or hold us down, and break through to see the beauty that God is trying to show us. My friend, Sharan, gave me the book Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. I am reading, and thoroughly enjoying this book! It shares what she has learned through the struggle of dealing with the loss of one of her daughters who was accidentally killed by one of her sons. One part of the book talks about how God is an artist with a painting, and when we are really close to it, it's too hard to see the beauty of it, but if we back away from it, we can finally see it come into focus and see how beautiful the painting actually is. God makes beautiful things from our struggles if we let Him. The other part is just the title of the book. Mary Beth Chapman often talks about the fact that through the struggles and sadness she was going through, she needed to "choose to SEE". To "SEE" what God was going to do in her family through this tragedy. And as a friend shared with me recently, it's about "choosing to SEE" the good! That's not always so easy, though. God wants us to be beautiful for Him, and He allows things to happen in our lives that we may not like or understand. Things that may not seem fair or fun to deal with, but if we don't allow Satan to allow these things to weigh us down and steal our joy, God can use them to make us that picture of beauty that He wants us to be, but also that others can enjoy and take delight in. He has a purpose and a plan for everything that happens in our lives, even the bad, sad, or what we would think of as unfair things. But before we say to ourselves how unfair something is, or tell family or friends how unfair something is, or even tell God how unfair something is-stop for just a minute and ask, was it fair for a perfect, sinless Lord to go to the cross for our multitudes of sins, which includes complaining about what is unfair? Was it fair for Mary to have to see her precious Son treated in such an awful way, being beaten and bruised for us, but also for so many that would not ever believe on Him? Through that struggle of the cross comes the joy and beauty of salvation and eternal life. What beautiful things is God trying to show us through our struggles if we would only keep our hearts and minds open and "choosing to SEE" the good? Lord, I need to be reminded of this often! Help me to "choose to See" the beauty that you are trying to create in me through my struggles. Help me try not to complain, or choose to see the negative, but to look beyond the struggle, frustration, and strife for the beauty. I won't be able to do that without your help, so please help me. Help me to try to be a blessing to others, pointing them to your beauty and the beauty that you want to create in me, and most of all help me to "choose to SEE" your goodness!

Butler vs. UCONN

I am sitting here almost hyperventilating as I get ready to watch the NCAA Championship Men's Game!! I am so nervous for my boys. I have been praying that they can win and bring the trophy home to us. Sadly, last night I suffered great disappointment as the UCONN ladies lost to Notre Dame. That was a sad loss. It was a late night before my first day back after spring break, to stay up that late and not see a victory was terrible! Now, here's another late night, the game doesn't start until about 9:30, but I have got to see this! Tomorrow is going to be pretty tough. I'm sure I'll be sufficiently wiped out, but hopefully, prayerfully, it will be with better, more positive results! We shall see... Let's go UCONN!!!!!! Lord, please just let my heart hold up!! :) It's halfway through and we are down by three, yikes!!! I'm nervous, but hopefully second half will turn around to our favor! I mean, hey, come on, I'm staying up late AGAIN!!! Please let's go! Oh my.........We DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited right now!! I'm screaming with no voice, I'm clapping, I'm crying! I can't help but think about my pappy right now. He would have been right here with me celebrating. We would have been making all kinds of noise, waking mom up. I miss him so much in times like these which is why there are a few happy tears. I've been sitting in his recliner downstairs doing our normal March Madness thing. Although there is so much enjoyment right now, there is also some sadness, I hate for this to be over. This as I've said before is my favorite time of the year. What a great ride!! Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful end to such a fun tournament!! Bring our boys home safely!! We did it again, pappy!! I miss you celebrating with me, but I know you're celebrating much more than I could ever be in a much better place for a much better reason! I still miss you and love you and can't wait to see you again! I am going to stop this here because I am too excited and don't think this is even making sense anymore, forgive me. :) Go UCONN!!!!!!!!!!!