Just some things...

I have been wanting to share some of the interesting things I learned last week, but right now, I feel that I need to just share a little of what I have been dealing with the past week or so. As I wrote earlier, mom has been a little more off the past couple of weeks. She wakes up and asks several times what the day is and what she has to do that day. She asks me every day if I have school, she asks every day if she has to go to church. She gets up and gets her clothes on, many times the same clothes that she wore the day before, and maybe before that. I have so many things on my mind I can't keep track well(which makes me feel like a failure, and yes, I know that's Satan). She goes into the living room and sits on the couch with Bella, she will often tell Bella, that mommy(me) is going to leave us again. It's definitely hard to leave after hearing that, and the guilt I feel may seem silly, and cannot be understood by those who are not in this situation of having to care for your mom. And not even just caring for your mom, but caring for your mom who has alzheimers. This is the woman who I went to for strength and care, the woman I shared my problems with and sought her biblical advice. I don't have that anymore, and I really miss it. When I have a problem, I get home and have no one to share it with, that is very difficult for me. I'm not trying to sound like a whiner, but this is my reality right now. I don't have brothers or sisters, I know of friends who will share something they are struggling with, with a brother or sister. I don't have a husband or even a boyfriend to share things with, I know of some friends who will share something with a husband or boyfriend. I don't want to bother people so I hesitate calling people, because most people I know have families, and I am sure I will be interrupting time with their families, and I would feel horrible. Friday, since I was home with my mom, we went to get our nails done, she liked the color I picked for her. When she was drying her nails, she wasn't sure if it was ok, but when I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. When we got in the car to go home, she said she didn't like the color on her nails, it was too bright for her. When she got home, she looked at her nails and said how much she loved that color! I told her all day that we were going to a play that night. When we got home from getting our nails done, she said she was going to go get her pj's on. It was only about 5pm. I told her that she was supposed to come to the play with me. She said she didn't want to. I tried to convince her again, but she just complained of hurting too much to go. I got pretty upset because I try to get her out as much as I can to keep her mobile and active. I started complaining to her of all the things I try to do, and told her I have been hurting too in different ways. I had to take Bella for a walk because I was so upset. I went to the play by myself, enjoyed it(but that's another blog probably). When I got home I smelled something funny, it was nail polish. My mom took the nail polish that has been on her dresser for years and painted over her nails and they look awful. Obviously she again decided that she didn't like her nails. So that was a waste. She keeps filling Bella's bowl with more food than she is supposed to, but doesn't always make sure she has water. She puts the burner of the stove on high to make eggs. I only know that because once or twice before I left for school she was making eggs for her breakfast and had it on high. I have a sticky note reminding her to put the burner on only 3 or 4. Even then she still forgets. At least 4 times Saturday night she was going to call my neighbor to tell her that I would bring my mom to church on Sunday. I told her I couldn't do that because I had to be at my own church. Her church was having a sunrise service for Easter morning. When the neighbor called to say she was going to the sunrise service, she told my mom when she would pick her up. My mom somehow associated that with a wake or funeral. She didn't want to go to the "wake" or "funeral", so if I just brought her to church then the neighbor wouldn't have to worry about it. I didn't know what to do to help her go and understand that I wasn't going to take her. If I tell her, she is just going to forget and think the opposite. I finally stopped trying to make her understand and decided I would just get her up early. That's what I did, I woke her up early to get ready, and she did. Thankfully it all worked. She went off to church just fine and so did I. Later that afternoon we went to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner. It ended up being an ok day.
Lord, these days are tough for me. It's hard to deal with my mom like this. I miss her. I miss the one I used to know, the one I could talk to, share with, and the one who understood things easily. I miss the woman who wouldn't forget just a few minutes after I told her something. Thank you for helping me deal with her and her changes. Help me to handle it in the right way, sometimes it gets a little much for me, and I don't see a way out of the frustration. Help me to keep trusting you, and help me be able to share what I'm really feeling and really going through with someone or a couple of someones. That would be so helpful. Thank you that you are always there!! It would just also be helpful to have someone here as well. Help me to keep making it, I need you!