Here I sit...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok...Sorry about that, I just needed to let that out!! Just be glad that blogs don't come with sound! :) It's just been a little crazy! Today, mom just seemed a little more off than I'm used to. When I went into mom's room to get Bella to take her out, I said Good Morning to mom. She asked me what day it was, I told her Tuesday. She asked me what she had to do today, I told her nothing. She asked what I was doing today, I told her, going to school as usual. She asked me if she had church, I told her AGAIN, that it was Tuesday. She asked again, and when I asked her what day it was, she called off about 3 different days, none of which were right. I told her again it was Tuesday. When I was getting ready to leave for the day, she asked again, what day it was. I told her again, it is Tuesday. I'm pretty sure she asked again as I was getting stuff ready to go. That reminded me before I left to get the sticky notes out to write the day and date for her, then to put one on the fridge and one on her mirror so she can refer to those during the day. Then she says something about not having anywhere to go or anything to do. That frustrated me, but I tried to be calm as I reminded her she could if she wanted to. She asked how, I told her that the program we have her in would provide a place for her to go interact with other people. Every time a doctor or nurse mentions it, she tells them that she has her dog and that's all she needs. Then she tells me that she gets out and walks with Bella, which is something she is not supposed to do, since she is not getting around well. So, I tell her, as I have several times before, but she doesn't really want to hear it. I also am not sure if she really does or not because she doesn't think clearly, so she may be thinking of the times before when she did, who knows. I'm not here, so I have no idea. It's frustrating! So, I left for school a little frustrated. I know it's wrong, I don't have to let it get to me, but....it does. I wished it didn't, but it's hard. Other people seem to have such a better handle on it, of course their situation is not mine, their personality is not mine... School wasn't bad today, I got another beautiful ring from the Berard's. So sweet of them! This is the 5th ring I have gotten in the past two weeks, I love it! :) The kids had achievement tests today, which seemed to go ok. Then, I had such stress relief during Reading class. One of my boys was reading a part of a story about Appleseed Johnny, but he was not using the proper expression, and I am a nut about that. So I kept making him read it over, but it came out with different pitches and ways to say the name each time. And it was never the right way! I couldn't help but to crack up laughing! I laughed so hard I was crying, and my stomach was killing me. I kept trying to compose myself, but then would start cracking up again!! So not only did I get some stress relief, I also got some tummy exercise in! That's always good! Later that day someone said something just silly, I guess, about being single, about not wanting to look it if there was a significant other. I started to get a little bothered then, and had to turn away. Then the conversation changed, but with me still being SO single, it wasn't something I could join in on. That just always seems to get me. I tried and I think succeeded in just walking away from the conversation and just talked to the kids. The conversation was a little too difficult for me to contend with since I'm single and it hurts to be reminded of how much I am, and how most of the people I know aren't. Of course Satan used that to discourage me again... why do I have to feel on the outside sometimes?... Why do I struggle so much hearing people talk about significant others and families?... Why can't I experience this?... Why does it seem like it may never happen for me?... When I am struggling, as I have been lately, whether it's something that goes on at school, or at home or wherever, why don't I have someone to share it with?... Why can't I have someone in earthly form to share it with like other people do?... Why do I sometimes feel so alone?... I HATE these thoughts and feelings, and I hate that they take over my mind. I hate that I feel jealous about others, and can't just grow above that. Well, I am human, and obviously I am a sinner who needs God's help and grace. When I got home from school, I was bombarded by the same question(s) as this morning...what is today? I told her to look at the fridge. She still managed to ask again, and asked about church as well. When I walked into the house I had my umbrella, she told me she didn't know it was raining. I told her it was, it started on my way home. When I got home I took Bella out and came back in with my umbrella and she asked me if it was raining, I told her it was. A little later on when I had put the food in the oven, she went to go get her pj's on. As she walks by the living room window, she sounds shocked as she tells me that it looks like it's raining out. I told her that it was. Then tonight, I went to get my taxes done. I am getting a refund, and I am so thankful for that! That put a smile back on my face! Then I was going up to the front to pay, but the guy just escorted me to the door and said good night, so, I thought well maybe he somehow did an automatic payment without me knowing. As I'm on my way home, I get a call on my phone. I stopped off in a shopping center and listened to the voicemail. It was the guy calling me to apologize but telling me I needed to come back to pay...ugh!! So I drive all the way back to pay. Again, he apologized and said that he was enjoying talking to me about music so he forgot. Then I finally get back home to mom asking me again what the day is. I told her to look on the fridge where I had it written. Then she asked what tomorrow was, if it was a church night. I told her it was. She said she was going to get her clothes out for tomorrow night, and went to do that. Then she got on the bed to watch her show, Wheel of Fortune. As I am eating dinner she calls me into her room, she sounds a little nervous because she said something was knocking on her window above her head. I listened for a little bit and just uttered ...ummm....it's called rain. She laughed and said "Don't make fun of me, I didn't know it was raining out, it's not my fault, I didn't know that!" Then when I tell her that we have talked about it at least twice, she doesn't believe me, "No sir!" she says. OOhhh myyyyy!!! Well, I have been able to just joke with her and laugh it off. Hence the reason for this post. I just kinda need to get it off my mind, off my chest, and hopefully a little out of mind! Thank you, Lord, for this outlet to be able to share my thoughts and feelings. Even the ones I'm not so proud of. Thank you for caring about me and the things that bother me, even when sometimes I don't feel you. I know that you are always there. Thank you for being there, and please help me get through some of these AAAHHHH!!!! moments! So, here I sit...asking you to help me see that you are my God and you love and care for me! Thanks for that!!