What in the World is Going On?

My last post was about that awful tragedy in Aurora, Colorado, that might make people ask that question.    But, since I already wrote about that, this is going to be a different post.  Now, for a little disclaimer, it's going to get a little ugly, so if you can't handle ugly, please stop reading now.  My thinking is that sometimes things have to get a little ugly before they become beautiful or show their beauty.  I mean when people get makeovers, they don't start with a pretty picture, they start with a.....well, we'll just say, not-so-flattering picture.  Then when you see the after, wow, is it beautiful!!  The beginning of a butterfly's life is not beautiful, caterpillars are not the prettiest things on the planet by any means.  When they get into the chrysalis it's kind of gross, though amazing how they shed their caterpillar skin, even to the head right before they get into that full chrysalis stage.  Chrysalises can be kind of pretty in their own right, but nothing beats the awesome beauty of that butterfly when it comes out.  Though when it first comes out with a swollen body and shriveled up wings it's not so beautiful, but after some time and let the wings dry and to simply rest after the struggle to free itself...it is an amazingly beautiful creature!!  So bare with me through the ugly if you can, because I'm hoping it will be a wow... beautiful moment after.
This is a post I have wanted to write for a while, but haven't had the chance to get it written.  So, I'm going to attempt to now.  It has been a strange summer, to say the least, and I have struggled with many different things.  I couldn't wait for the stress of the school year to be done, and to be able to be on summer vacation!  Days of sleeping in, and nights of staying up late, are just what I needed and was looking forward to.  But that first night, the same day school got out, started a change in things around the house.  After enjoying time at a friend's jewelry party, I got home and enjoyed some down time downstairs.  When I went upstairs to share some things with mom, I noticed a change, she didn't want to get up from the side of the bed, and when I tried to help she became upset with me.  I had to wait until she was more cooperative, but even that didn't make it easier.  It ended up being a very late night (now I know I said I like late nights, but not to this extent), I had to clean up after I made sure she was finally in bed...about 2 Friday morning!  Which means it ended up being close to 3 a.m. for me.  A couple of days later it was the same thing, sitting on the edge of the bed and not wanting to move, being stubborn and refusing my help. The only problem is this time it lasted much longer, and I had to be more assertive to make things happen.  Summer had just started and I was already drained- emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I just didn't get it, why would God not even give me a day of peace after school got out?!  I had been working so hard trying to take care of mom, the house, Bella, and trying to handle all the things at school.  I sought and asked for His help and wisdom, maybe not as much as I should have or as much as He wanted, but I did seek Him, but didn't feel His hand of help.  So now when it's time to rest and relax, and take a break, things just got harder.  Then I would hear about this person going on vacation, and that person enjoying a nice break...and this person excited about some fun family time, and that person enjoying spending time with family or friends...or this person being blessed in one way, and that person being blessed in another.  People being blessed financially, or seeing physical changes and blessings, or being blessed spiritually, or being blessed in their families, seeing blessings to rest and relax and renew themselves, while I felt I was just trying to hold on to some sanity.  I kept hearing people say, "God is good."  I know they were right, because that's what we as Christians are all supposed to know and believe, but boy was I having trouble seeing that or believing it at the time.  I kept thinking of things that weren't so good that I was going through and dealing with.  Things were changing, getting worse, and I had no way of escaping it...not that I would ever want to escape from my mom.  I love her too much, I want to help take care of her.  But these changes came on so quickly, and I just didn't get how the Lord could be blessing others so much while my little world started to crumble a bit.  Mom was having a harder time getting around and required more of my help, she would get agitated with me easier and quicker and not always want my help, she was sleeping more, which is never a good sign for an aging parent.  On top of that the refrigerator broke down, thankfully we have another downstairs, but it was lots of up and down all day long between laundry for mom and getting things to and from the fridge.  I needed to get an oil change for my car so it wouldn't conk out on me.  It is plenty old, and I am just thankful it's still running.  There were lots of things that I needed to do or try to get done, and nothing seemed to quite be working out the right way.  It was frustrating!  One night after a rough bout with mom, I came downstairs and just cried out, telling the Lord, I didn't know what He was doing, or why, and I didn't like it.  I told Him I wasn't seeing Him or feeling Him.  I complained that things were too hard, but He didn't seem to care.  I told Him I was upset that He was blessing others and I couldn't see Him blessing me.  I just felt so beat up, so put down, so discouraged, so hurt, so sad.....so broken.  I told Him that I was broken, and I couldn't take anymore.  Soon after that, He throws in a phone call from my aunt who calls on Monday to tell me she is coming on Wednesday to visit with mom and she wants to stay with us.  Now on top of other issues I have to do an overhaul in the guest room, which had become my catchall room as things got busier in the school year.  I managed to somehow do it, enough so she could stay.  
She came and got settled in, saw mom walking with the walker, but thought she seemed uncomfortable so had her walking with her cane again.  She saw that mom was less talkative, that she was more tired.  She commented that it was such a drastic change from when she was here in February.  She saw mom sleeping through breakfast and that's when she strongly suggested I call the ambulance, which resulted in the first hospital stay, which I wasn't thrilled with, because they found nothing.  She just gets overly tired, I already knew that and tried to tell her, but she wanted to be sure.  After that hospital visit, mom seemed weaker, but we had more help coming in now.  But even that got a little crazy.  One day, the refrigerator repairman got their and started working on it, not long after that the doorbell rings again and it's the VNA coming to check on mom who was sitting half asleep in the living room.  Not long after that, the doorbell rings again, and it's the Home Health Aide coming for the first time to bathe mom.  She can't do it right then because the refrigerator guy is still there.  He finally finishes and they get her to the bathroom and help her get a bath.  Once the Aide is done, and leaves I am finally able to get to the fridge and clean it out and wipe everything down.  But when I get to the bottom shelf and bring it over to the sink and start to wash it, the whole thing shatters all over the kitchen!  Thankfully neither mom, nor Bella tried to come in then, but now I had a much bigger mess to clean up.  As I was, the doorbell rings again and it's my uncle coming to check on mom.  I finally get all I can see up and into the garbage, with no cuts and without any trouble for mom or Bella.  A friend comes over to watch mom, while I went out to a much needed dinner with a friend...but again I was exhausted.  I was still struggling with the Lord and was still letting Him know.  (Told you this was going to be ugly!)  But hold on.....

One day I got a card in the mail from one of the dear ladies at church, and she was such a blessing!  She wrote the sweetest things to me, and really encouraged me.  She put her phone number so I could call her if I needed anything or needed to talk, and she even put money in the card to help with mom's medications!  That was huge for me!  Mom was still getting weaker and after the second hospital visit was pretty much only in bed.  Another day, I saw a package sticking out under the mailbox with my name on it.  When I opened it, a wonderful friend from a neighboring state, had sent a devotional book for me...one that helped her when she struggled with some things in her life.  I read the devotion for that day, and it was exactly to a tee, just what I needed!!  What??  Really??  Is this devotion really talking about times we don't feel God and get discouraged?!?  Crazy!  Then....my girls came up.  They were only going to be here for a few days, but as long as I got to see them, that was all that mattered.  I got to see them and talk for a little it on Saturday before running back home to mom.  I was refreshed just giving them hugs and talking to them!  Then Sunday morning, I wasn't going to be able to make it to Sunday School, but was trying to make it to church, when they called and needed a ride.  Yay!!  I get to spend a little more time with them!  I brought them to church, and they asked me to sit with them, which I was thrilled to do to have more time with them.  It was a sad day because it was our pastor's last Sunday, and last day, he was leaving in the morning for the Air Force.  He preached an awesome, emotional sermon, and did his last couple of baptisms.  They were having a potluck after the morning service, but I knew I couldn't stay because of mom, so I was going to have to say my goodbyes right after.  I was pretty emotional, but those who know me know that's nothing new.  I said goodbye to Megan as well.  Then I made sure to get hugs and kisses from my boys and little Lyla!  I ended up finding the sweet lady who gave me the card and money to thank her, we talked for a while and she again encouraged my heart, telling me I was loved and people wanted to help.  I talked to another friend who also encouraged me to ask for help because people love me and want to help.  Then the sweetest girl gave me a gorgeous zebra print ring!!  She was so cute about it and brought a huge smile to my face.  I was feeling pretty special!  I got home and read the sweet card from the other dear lady at church and she put a beautiful poem inside about growing in the valleys!  Again, just what I needed!  After having lunch with mom, one of the ladies from her church called.  She had been hesitant to do so, since I didn't know her well, but she said the Lord laid us on her heart.  She asked how mom was, then did something that meant so much to me.  She paused and said..."And how are YOU doing?"  She let me talk and tell her some things I had been dealing with and struggling with, then she prayed with me.  Even though it was such a sad day, I was feeling so blessed.  The Lord was showing me that He hadn't forgotten about me, that He did care, that He put me on people's minds, and used them to be a blessing to me.  It was pretty overwhelming!  I was still downstairs about 11:30 or so Sunday night, when I got a phone call from my friend. She and her husband had a gift they wanted to give me, but wanted to do it face to face and the only time would have been then!  Hmm...well, OK, what a strange request.  I got mom situated and at least on the bed, and left to go to the friends' house.  The whole time I'm driving I'm trying to figure out what in the world it could be.  I got there and we talked for a few minutes and she asked her husband if he was going to get the gift and he said yes, but was still finishing up some paperwork or something.  After a few more minutes he goes over to a kitchen cabinet and takes out....some money!!  He walks toward me and I, of course, break down.  He said they wanted to give it to me to help with getting an oil change for my car.  I didn't see how much they gave me, but it definitely felt like too much for an oil change, but they somehow knew I needed one.  I was again amazed at God's goodness to me!  After all of the complaining I did, all of the ugliness...He still showed His hand taking care of me.  I didn't deserve it!  Then we got to talking about my car, and that yes, it did badly need an oil change.  I told them I am so thankful for that car, but it's definitely got it's issues.  I talked for a little bit, and she got up and walked between us as we were talking about my car.  I thought that might have been my hint that she was tired and was ready to head to bed, it was probably about 12:30 or after, and they had to get up early.  So, I was going to get myself out of their way and let them get some sleep, when I hear her say, "Babe, you're taking way too long."  I was surprised to hear her say that, and chuckled a little as she started to walk toward me.  As I look at her she is grinning a big Chesire cat kind of grin, then I look at him and he's doing the same thing!  What in the world is going on?  I look at her holding something out to me.  It takes a few seconds for me to register what it is, as it registers, I drop my purse on the floor, get the Oprah ugly cry, and throw my hands in front of my face, with my mouth and eyes probably as wide as can be.  She was holding out a...............................(sorry, I love suspense!!!).................a........key!!!!!!!  I could not believe it!!  What were they doing?   I think I might have asked that, not sure.  They told me the Lord laid me on their hearts months ago and they wanted to give me their car!!!  I was beyond shocked, and I think I asked why and they said it was because they loved me and wanted me to have a good ride back and forth, and for my mom!  I knew I was loved.....but....really??  I told them I definitely didn't deserve it because I was jut getting upset and complaining to the Lord just a couple of days before this.  But they encouraged me that people go through those times, that they had recently.  The thing that really caught my attention was they said the Lord laid it on their hearts months ago!  All those weeks and moments of me not feeling Him, the whole time He was saying, "Just you wait!  I got you!  I care, I love you, and if you'll just wait a bit, I'll show you.  I know it's been a struggle, but just rest a minute and let me show you something beautiful!"  And that's just what He did!  I asked my friend why in the world he let me go on about my car that way, and all he said was that he loved every minute of it!  Then he told me that the money was obviously not for an oil change for my car, but for license plates and registration for my new one.  Oh, so sneaky!!!  They said it was like watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition in person!  That they would never forget my face!  All I could do was thank them and tell them how wonderful they are, and how blessed I am to know them!!  They told me to leave my car parked there, because they wanted to watch me drive away in my new car!!  Oh the tears that came!  I prayed that I would make it home without getting in an accident.  Then I wanted to call someone so badly, but being after 1 in the morning, I thought better of it.  What a selfless act of love and giving, showing that it is better to give than to receive.  So, I don't know what in the world is going on, but I know someone out of this world loves me, cares for me, and blesses me, even when my trust seems to fail.

Here's my new ride- a 2005 Honda Accord!

Lord, thank you for loving me, and taking care of me, even when my heart failed to trust you.  The struggles blocking out any possible beauty.  Thank you, that even though the struggles broke me down, You still had beautiful things to show me and teach me.  Thank you for using my wonderful friends to be such a blessing in my life.  Time after time showing your goodness.  Please bless them in some extra special ways for their sacrifices of love that they showed to me!  Thank you for reminding me that you do take care of your own, loving us, and desiring to bless us beyond what we can even ask or think.  Thanks for allowing me an amazing testimony of how you can make things beautiful in our lives, if we just hold on, and don't give up!  Thanks for being my loving Lord!