March Madness

This will be my first blog after actually inviting people to read it. Thank you, Shannon for becoming a follower, that means so much to me! Also, thank you to the others of you who have said that you would be willing to read it.

I love March Madness!!!! It is one of my favorite times of the year! My friend Kasey's husband
Adam calls it his Christmas! I love that!!! I'm going to have to borrow that thought! I absolutely adore college basketball! Ok, that was definitely a weird way of putting it...ah well, I have lots of weird quirks! :) Just today I was watching several games, and just finished watching Kent St. vs. Akron and Washington vs. Arizona. I was literally running back and forth from the guest room T.V. to the kitchen T.V. to watch these two games. Both were so close and so exciting to watch! Akron won theirs, but at the end as they were celebrating, they ended up stepping on one of the opposing teams players who was laying on the court. That almost started a huge throwdown! There was a lot of pushing, but they got it cleared so Akron could celebrate. Then Washington beat Arizona on a last second buzzer beater shot! It was awesome! I don't even know these teams that well, and I don't really care who wins, but it's just so much fun to watch and cheer!! This is why I love college basketball and March Madness!! I have even incorporated it into my classroom as an incentive. We have two teams who compete for four weeks, which are the four quarters of the game. The students get points for work, tests, and behavior. It's lots of work for me, but worth it to keep them motivated! I tell my kids all the time that the reason I love college basketball is because no matter how badly a team may be doing, they continue to play so hard. What a great lesson!! These teams never say die! That's something that is great to remember in life.
I was watching the UConn game last night so I didn't finish this post. What a great game to watch last night. And another great example of the never say die spirit. This was UConn's fifth game in five days and people were wondering if they could keep up enough energy and strength to pull out another win. They started out pretty good against Louisville, but before half time they started coming back. I decided to watch the last part of it in bed, because sadly last night we lost an hour of sleep. How can I sleep early with my boys playing. So, I took Bella out got her to bed with my mom, then got in bed to watch the game. Many moments I spent with tbe covers over my eyes, but there were a few moments where I had confidence to look and cheer. Finally, the last few seconds I was brave enough to see us pull through and finish with a fifth win in five days!!! I was so excited!! I wanted to cheer so badly, but just settled for a loud clap and some silent cheering! I started tearing up because I was so excited for them, but also because I was missing my dad. It just made me think because normally we would have been watching it together downstairs. When they won we would have been jumping up and down, screaming, cheering, and hugging each other. It brought back some sweet memories, that left me a little sad. I love this time, I love the memories, and I can't wait to see more!!
Lord, thank you for the lessons we can learn from college basketball. Thank you for the great memories of my pappy. Please tell him I miss him dearly, and give him hugs for me.

Just a quick vent...

I have already mentioned this a little in another post, but just have different thoughts to add.

A couple of times when I shared my recent struggles with my mom people would kind of grin/smile and say to me, "Oh, sounds like having kids", or " Oh, now you know what those of us who have kids feel like", or " Now you know what it's like to have kids". This hurt me each time I heard it, because no, I sadly don't have a clue what it's like to have children, but I just don't feel it's at all the same. I would try to explain to them that I don't feel it is the same because for one thing I can't discipline my mom. I feel bad that I have let it bother me so much, but it just hurts because it almost feels as though they are trying to diminish what I am feeling and going through by making it seem that they sort of understand. I know they don't by any means mean to sound like that. But this is something that unless you are right in it, it will be hard to understand. One of the most difficult things for a child is to see your parents age and then to try to take over that place. I'm not supposed to tell my mom what to do, she's my mom, not my child. I don't think people understand how hard that can be. Each morning I get up and take Bella out and I have to try to remember each time to tell mom to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Sometimes she says ok and does, other times she says, "Yes, mother". Then once in a while she will say she doesn't need to get up now, she doesn't need to go or she already got up and went. If this was a child you would discipline them for the times that they did not obey right away, especially if the bed ended up being wet. I can't do that with my mom. Then there are times when the bed is wet, sometimes on those days, mom will just say that it's time for her to go to a nursing home. This is hard to hear, and kids aren't going to talk like that. Yes, I do get the fact that kids do wet the bed and the thought that what I am going through is like having kids seems like it would fit here, but for a child you know they will eventually get it down and get better. That won't happen in my mom's case. It's also been frustrating because mom loves to feed Bella, not dog food, but whatever mom is eating. She will give her 5 or more french fries, or let her lick her plate, or put some of her food in Bella's bowl. I worry that she won't be careful about what she gives and will end up giving Bella something that could make her really sick or kill her. Bella is also gaining too much weight and I'm afraid that is going to kill her too. I try to tell my mom this, but she just ignores me. She's not a child so what do I do? Plus she is at home with her all day by herself, how can I keep her from doing that? A parent even though they often feel stuck can get away for a night and have someone babysit. I can go out, and I don't have to or don't even have someone to sit for her. So when I'm out I feel guilty for leaving her at home by herself for so long. Then I also worry about whether or not she is ok. I try to get home to make sure she is ok, Bella is ok, and before she has to take Bella out at night. I don't like her being outside by herself. When I ask her not to go downstairs or not to take a shower when I'm not here, she doesn't understand why she can't do the things she has always done. These are just some of the many things I have been thinking about wanting to vent to show that no indeed, taking care of an ailing, mentally struggling parent, is not quite the same as having kids. There are many similarities, but also many difficult differences. I guess I would just like someone to understand that.
Lord, forgive me for having a wrong spirit when people may not understand or know the right things to say. Keep me humble and kind. Help me not to allow something that someone said maybe without thinking about it fully to bother me so much. Let me bring it to you and leave it there. Thank you for understanding and always being there for me when I need you. Thank you for caring and taking care of me through these struggles! Please help me to keep looking up!

Spirit Week!

This week is Spirit Week! I always enjoy this week, and this year I was so excited because we were doing an 80's day!!!! I love the 80's!! So with that to look forward to, I was excited about this week. It had to be better than last week...at least I hoped so. The first day was duct tape day, since I had no duct tape and had no clue what to do, I just waited because my flute student Elisabeth said she would make a bracelet for me with her zebra print duct tape. That morning her mother Amy came to the door of my classroom. She pinned a beautiful zebra print rose on me. That was just that start of my duct tape day. Later I looked for a highschool boy Jonny because his mom told me that he had something special that he made for me. When I found him with a duct tape vest and belt and bracelet that he made himself, he looked awesome!! He brings me a huge duct tape flower ring! Loved it!! Then Elisabeth made me an adorable bracelet and ring! They spoil me so much! It's fun to be spoiled!

Wednesday was the day...my day...80's day!! My alarm went off and I could not get back to sleep because of thinking of all the fun things I was going to do! Oh how fun to put on my makeup and put blue eyeliner, blue mascara and blue eyeshadow on. As I was getting ready, it felt just like getting ready for highschool!! What fun! I had a scrunchy, put a nice big pony tail on top of my head. I broke out my hot pink shirt with a bright blue tank top, my jean skirt, leggings, and of course, best part...leg warmers!! I topped it off with my pink converse. I had jelly bracelets and a ring pop and some mentos and mirrored sunglasses with pink on the sides. There were some GREAT outfits that day!! I walked down the hallway feeling like I was back in school! How fun! Side note: blue makeup can be really hard to take off. :)

Thursday was space/future day. That was another fun one to see kids dressed up as aliens, space officers, people in the future, Star Wars characters. It was definitely tons of fun! Then Friday was funny sock/school color day. That was also fun to see...and I'm sure some of us were fun to see as first through third grade had a field trip to The Claypen on Farmington Ave. in West Hartford. We had to walk down the street with our crazy looks to get to the place. It is a great place and I'm so glad we went, looking forward to going again sometime soon! We each got plates to paint however we wanted. It was fun and the kids did well, even though it's tough to get some of them to take their time and be neat. I am so looking forward to seeing how they come out after they have been glazed and placed in the kiln. We shall see next Friday! It is so much fun to have weeks like these for something a little different, but it is also a bit exhausting...of course it didn't help that I was feeling a bit sick this week. But on to next week, which for third grade will be another good one. Monday is 9 day!! I have placed 9's all over the school for the kids to see and wonder about, then for math class I teach them the 9 multiplication table and all the cool things you can do with it! Then Tuesday starts March Madness!! The classroom is already decorated for that, too. Should prove to be a good time! I know I'm excited!

Valentine's Day 2011

1. Me, talking about Valentine's Day?? Ha! This is usually I day where I wear a teeny bit of red, but plenty of black. I mean what single person is really thrilled with this day? Well, maybe others have a better attitude than I do, but I'm sure there are one or two others out there who feel as I do! The day came so quickly this year...actually I have felt a little off many times this year. But last week sometime I thought, it would be nice to just go ahead and buy myself some roses. Since no one else is going to buy me any, why not treat myself? Then I thought about what I would put on the card to myself. The Lord then put something else in my mind. Now the plan was still to buy myself flowers, but instead of buying just myself a dozen roses, I would share them. I talked to a couple of friends and they thought it would be a nice idea. Friday night I got up the courage to text my "mom", Kim Weber, to ask her if this would be doable. She said she thought it would. She called me on Saturday and we got it all settled. The Lord then gave me the words for the cards: I love you, I have always loved you! You are beautiful and you mean the world to me. On this day I want you to know how special you are to me! I hope these roses bring you as much joy as you bring me. Love, God. I still was a bit selfish, I got half a dozen roses for me. Then I had three roses for my friends Sam and Karen. It was the first time I actually looked forward to Valentine's Day! I knew friends would be getting a nice surprise and it made me excited. It took my mind off of the struggle I often feel being single and never really experiencing anything special on this day. That morning the flowers were delivered, I loved seeing mine and reading the message again. Then Sam came out and talked about how she got great flowers, when I pretended not to know what she was talking about she didn't believe me, and asked me if I got flowers from God because He loves me too. Then Karen asked me if I had gotten roses and she said how special that was for her. I tried not to tell her that I had given them to her. But I had to let her know because she was going to write a thank you note to someone else, so I didn't want her to get embarrassed by doing that. So, I finally did tell her. She was so surprised and said that made them even more special. She said she bawled in front of her class, but it was such a good lesson for her kids. They kept asking her who they were from-a boyfriend or her son. She was able to share with them that it was a reminder to her from God about how much He loves her. She said they were very quiet, and she could tell they were really getting it. At the end of the day we made sugar cube igloos. One of my parents got the stuff and showed how to make it. What a wonderfully fun way to end the day. I left school that afternoon with a huge smile on my face. I think I am going to incorporate this idea each year for Valentine's Day! I know I was blessed and it was great to know that I could bless someone else's day. Thank you, Lord, for not allowing me to dwell on myself and my sadness or discontent on a day like that. Thank you for the idea to be a blessing to someone else and thanks for reminding each of us that you love us and delight in us! Help me to always remember. It's wonderful to be loved!

Happy Birthday!

Today was dad's birthday, ok, well not quite today. I was busy with facebook and things so I didn't think about blogging until I am just about to head to bed. So, the 28th is pappy's birthday. He would have been 77. I couldn't help but wonder today what my life would be like right now if he was still alive. This is a man that would easily have lived to 100 and would never have looked like it, but that leukemia and diabetes ravaged a strong man's body. The man I rarely ever saw sick and who wouldn't take a sick day. He always just kept going. I miss him so much. It's so weird, because sometimes I forget what it was like to have that father figure around, feeling that fatherly love, feeling so safe, knowing that he would help take care of scary situations. I miss his smile, his laugh, his presence. He is always in my heart and I will never forget the joy of having him for my dad for so many wonderful years. So very thankful that he was my dad and that I got to love him for so much of his lifetime. There is nothing better. He was the man in my life. I miss that male companionship, that's kind of hard for me.
I slept in a little this morning, really didn't want to get up and do much, but I did. I feel pretty good. Took Bella out, took a little nap, got up and got breakfast ready for mom and I. Went back for a little nap. Got up, made phone calls to three places for mom to get information to help out with what we are trying to do for her. Called the nurse who is working with us to give her the info. I had just gotten. Filled up the bird feeder for those cute, hungry birds. Redid the driveway, well, at least the front of it, since the wonderful snowplow, plowed us back in. Then went to go see if I could find a pre-owned Wii, I got some money for Christmas, and even got a little money yesterday because I helped the neighbors across the street with their shoveling. I just felt bad since they only had shovels and there was lots of snow, so I brought the snow blower over and did the driveway for them and they insisted on giving me something. So, I figured, since I probably gained way too much weight over the holidays, it would be good to have the Wii to use to exercise with. Sadly this was the second Gamestop I went to and they didn't have anymore. Oh well, must not be what I am supposed to do with my money right now. Oh well. So, I went and "splurged" on the dvd Despicable Me. :) Mom and I had a little movie night tonight. We didn't finish the whole movie, but did watch about half of it. Before that, my cousin Dot called and we got the chance to talk to her for a little bit. She sounded good. She asked when we would be making a trip to Thomasville, I told her about mom's health and she was shocked that she wasn't doing that well. When I got off the phone, mom asked who it was, she said she couldn't place her. I kinda figured that much, pretty sad. It's been a tough Christmas break. She doesn't have a clue what the days are. She didn't realize it was Christmas, even after the whole day of celebrating it. We went to my aunt's house and she told my uncle that she didn't get anything for Christmas-even though she had opened up a coat, gloves, pj's, and slippers from me. Then she also got a robe from someone at her church. She didn't know who that person was and kept asking me who it was, then she kept saying it was some guy from her church. At first she was a little concerned as to why a guy would give her a robe, and asked me if he was trying to like her, but I told her that it was probably a woman. Then a day or so later, she says that it's from this man, but she knows him and his wife. So, finally I called my neighbor to ask her who this person was. It was a new lady that has been coming to the church. I was glad to finally get that figured out. She doesn't really remember her gifts at all, but we really did have a nice Christmas. Even though it's been a little stressful, it has been a good break.

Lord, let me not forget the reason for the season. Let me not miss the joy of mom's presence that I do still get to enjoy now. I hate to say it, but I'm not really looking forward to the new year, because I don't know what possible sadness I'll see. Help me not to focus on that, but on you and all the blessings you have given and know will give as we end 2010 and go into 2011. May I know you more, love you more, serve you more, and trust you more! Thank you for being my Heavenly Father! Give my pappy a big hug for me!

What a day!

Yesterday was an interesting day. My morning is getting up, getting washed up, taking Bella out, telling mom she needs to get up and go to the bathroom so she doesn't wet the bed. I bring Bella back in and start to get ready for school. I figure out what I am going to wear, go get my breakfast and try to remember to check mom's plate to be sure she has her pills on it. Then have my cereal. I make sure Bella has food and water, make sure mom is set, make sure the leash is where mom can get to it from the door, get all my bags and things and head to school. Well, yesterday as I pulled into the parking lot Satan put the foolish thought in my mind: "What have you done that is so bad that you can't seem to catch a break?" I was thinking of all the things I have to do and was feeling so overwhelmed. I went in and started to get things ready for the morning. At restroom break, I went into the teacher's lounge, Mama Gallucci came in and asked me how mom was and how I was doing. I was able to talk to her for a while telling her about some of what was going on, all of the things that I need to get done-phone calls I needed to make, places I needed to go, papers I needed to find. She just let me talk and encouraged me so much. I was able to cry and share and let her know exactly what I was thinking and feeling. She understands because she had to deal with some of the same things with her mom. She also told me that she would be my mom when I needed one. That was such an encouragement to my heart!! I love and appreciate her so much! The part that was interesting was that it was so nice to finally be able to talk to someone and have them listen, not just for a few seconds, but for several minutes! But the next thing is that when I got back to my classroom and got my kids started with their work, I looked at my phone and Christina Kellogg sent me a text just letting me know that she was thinking of me and praying for me. The Lord laid me on her heart! What a blessing to get that extra little special blessing! Had a bit of a crazy time as I was teaching Arithmetic. One of my students said he wasn't good in Math, but I told him he needed to practice more. I did a couple of flashcards with him, but he wasn't able to get them quickly at all. Then we came to 66 divided by 6. He wasn't sure at all. I broke it down and asked him how many 6's are in 6 and then how many 6's are in the other 6. After a little thinking he figured it was one for each. When I asked him to put those two numbers together, he asked if he was supposed to add them or multiply them. I told him to just put the two numbers together side by side. I asked what the answer was and he said 12. We went through all the ways of breaking it down again and then asked for the answer, and once again he said 12. I finally put it on the board and he was able to see and understand the answer was 11. We had other issues in Bible class that maybe I'll tell about later, very interesting! Then later in the day, I had to call Amy Hunt to ask her something and she also asked me how my mom was doing and allowed me to share several things with her. It was just neat to see how the Lord sent the right people at the right time to encourage me. I hadn't even felt that down, but it was so amazing to me and I wonder what could have been the case if the Lord hadn't laid my mom and I on people's hearts. What a huge blessing!! God reminds me that He does care and watch over me even when I have trouble seeing it. He also reminded me that there are others who care as well! How thankful I am for my Heavenly Father and for all the wonderful, special saints He uses to encourage His child. God, thank you for loving me and showing me you care, especially in those moments when Satan wants to bring me down. Help me remember these moments whenever I get down!

How quickly things change

I really need to start blogging again, especially with how things are going with mom. It is important for me to share my thoughts and feelings. A couple of months ago mom had an appointment at UCONN health center to see Dr. Greenspan to see how things were going with her memory. I asked what she thought it was. She said she did think mom was starting with Alzheimers. Though I knew this was probably the case, it was difficult to hear. It is hard to not have the mom I know here with me. It makes me a little sad and lonely sometimes. It is a difficult thing to deal with answering the same questions over and over and over again without feeling a little crazy. This has been an interesting week. I set up the Christmas decorations and she watched and enjoyed, but I have had to move the lighters and matches to my room. I came home Saturday night from a party to find lots of candles lit on the mantle. The problem was that some of the candles were just on the mantle and not in a candle holder. She lit some that were just on the mantle. The wax was all over the mantle and one of the candles had burned all the way down to the silver piece right against the mantle. I am so thankful I got home when I did. That's one of my struggles. I am afraid to leave her alone for too long. After I told her not to light the candles on the mantle, I come home the next day to find the taper candles on the table lit and the candles in the sconces. The taper candles made me nervous because we have never lit those and they were out in the open where anything could have happened. Thankfully it was ok. I told mom to just use the battery operated tealights that I have. As I was turning them on and off the other night, I noticed that one had a black tip, which means she also tried to light that. So therefore, my room gets more junk added to it, as I confiscated the lighters and matches from as many places as I could find them and hid them in here away from her. It's hard because no one is going through this same thing right now, so it's hard to talk about it because people don't understand. This blog is a bit sporadic and isn't exactly the way I would like to voice my thoughts as I have done in some of my earlier blogs, but I just need to start keeping track of things for myself and maybe for mom and for others that are helping us in this endeavor to keep mom home and healthy for as long as possible. Last year this time, there wasn't this much stress about these things. Things have changed so quickly and sometimes it is difficult to keep my poise. Sometimes mom acts like some of the kids I deal with all day long. Some people just quickly throw out the thought that now I know what it's like to have kids. I don't really like that thought, because this is so different from that. Not in all ways, but in many. You can discipline a child, I can't discipline my mom. The goal is to see a child's behavior improve, but in my case the goal is to try to keep her as stable as possible, but things don't improve, they are getting worse. I have to repeat things so much, I'm learning to deal with that, though some days because I have a class that seems to need that same treatment, it kind of wears me down. With children you could hide matches and things from them, but it's hard to hide them from mom and she wonders why they are not there. She often asks why she can't do some of the things I ask her not to do. She doesn't understand! It's hard to explain and hard to deal with. Things have been a little overwhelming, I know I need to just trust the Lord, it's easy to say, but it's another matter to put feet to those prayers. I just continue to ask God for help and guidance. I need you, Lord. Please help me to rest, nest, and be blessed in You and You alone. Things are too hard without you! Help me. Strengthen me! Guide me! I need you!